Being Forever Alone

Im Nebel

Seltsam, im Nebel zu wandern! Einsam ist jeder Busch und Stein,

kein Baum sieht den andren, jeder ist allein.

Voll von Freunden war mir die Welt, als noch mein Leben licht war;

Nun, da der Nebel fällt, ist keiner mehr sichtbar.

Wahrlich, keiner ist weise, der nicht das Dunkel kennt,

das unentrinnbar und leise von allen ihn trennt.

Seltsam, im Nebel zu wandern!

Leben ist Einsamsein. Kein Mensch kennt den andern,

jeder ist allein.

Hermann Hesse

Translation

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There is at least one situation in your life when you begin to wonder if you are „forever alone“.

I had this situation in my life last Thursday. After I finished babysitting I made my way to the “monop’” (Monoprix, read more about it two posts earlier) to buy a week’s stock of pineapple juice. (I checked it out, only franprix has a cheaper one, for 0,79 €, but it tastes like shit – monop’ prize is 1,03 € per liter). 

So I was standing there at the cashier, with 4 “tetrapacks” of pineapple juice and a jam jar waiting for the most awkward dialogue to follow.

Male cashier (about 20, Black, nice smile): “Bonsoir, tu aimes beaucoup le jus d’ananas, toi?”

Me : « …Oui ? » (confused, is he making fun of me ?)

Him : « Oh, moi aussi. C’est trop beau! « 

Me : « Oui. Merci... Bonne Soirée ! »

And then I escaped the shop.

Story of my life. The cashier thinks I’m so desperate he needs to talk to me and I’m too socially awkward to answer anything but « yes ». Conversation skills: Level over 9000

If he wouldn’t have talked to the man queuing before me as to a close friend (he even gave him a handshake) I would have assumed he tried to flirt with me... And what is my reaction?

I AM A MESS. I can’t even communicate properly. If I was an Internet meme I couldn’t even decide between “Forever Alone” and “Socially Awkward Penguin”. I think I’d be both. Or even “Bad Luck Brian” in a female version?

3 essentials to spend my "forever alone"-nights: 
pineapple juice, mousse au chocolat and my laptop

And the fact that I’m asking myself questions like these tops it off and lets everyone (who wasn’t aware of it before) know: I am an Internet person. Sitting alone on my bed / sofa (because my room is too small to have both) watching youtube-videos or series online for hours, checking 9gag, my mails, my facebook, smsvongesternnacht.de and for the worst – look at me: I STARTED TO WRITE A BLOG. That’s forever alone Level ∞. Isn’t it?

It’s not that I don’t like being with other people. I like it. I can talk for hours (with the right communication partners).

I think that’s the problem. I have too many thoughts to share.

I MUST TALK. I’m an extrovert person. You might wonder: How is this possible? How can someone who likes to talk and likes people (in general) can be a forever alone? Go abroad. Alone. You learn to know. 

I don’t want to wallow in self-pity. It’s not that I don’t have friends here. I like the girls from my workplace very much. Mädels, ich hab euch echt alle total gern. But I have the feeling that I disturb them by talking this much. And I don’t want to; I CAN’T share every thought with them I could. And it's more about being "forever alone" in general.

self portrait

When you spend much time alone, you begin to think about things. About yourself.

Some people can't stand this. That's why most humans are going crazy if they are caged in a dark room for quite a time. They can't stand being alone with themselves. They just can't stand to accept being forever alone.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone is forever alone. I guess that’s the truth. 

There are always people to talk to. But they change. An average person replaces his whole circle of friends every seven years. 

Who stays? Family? Isn’t family just a random collection of people with a similar genetic code like yours who tend to build up your personality and life choices in a large part?

Family members die. Or they stop talking to you. Or they just leave. 

At any time, everyone leaves. 

Someone important said once: 

The only friend, the only person who will be around as long as you live – is yourself.

Is this good? Like some kind of "Befriend yourself to be happy in life"- thing?

Or is it bitter? Like: None of my friends or romances will ever stay with me forever. I’m going to die alone in any case.

Or is it just about acceptance: "You can’t stay with me forever, but we can be companions most of the way...?"

I haven’t figured out yet.

All I know is: I am forever alone.

How about you?