Late Lonely Life Advice

On: Dating minors, unhealthily low self-esteem & emotional weaknesses*

Question time: Who do I do this for?

To who am I writing? Or is it just for me, myself and I over and over again? Reading my own posts, ranting about random stuff that happens or happened in my life, travelling back in time when I see those older posts, laughing at myself, crying over it again.

I don't know. Maybe it's just that. A self-purpose of writing stuff down. 

To get it off my mind.

I want to tell you how I feel. Even if you is only future-me and two close friends I'm adressing that follow me on twitter and stalk me because they kinda love me (props to you guys just sayin'). This is kind of a confession. I'm not self-confident.

I like to think about myself as tough, as cool, extrovert, intelligent and controlled.

As creative, funny, kind of cute, interesting and complicated. And my self-esteem is really easily scratched when I have doubts in these features of mine. Or when I think closely about what defines me, what makes me an individual, different from others. This is what identity means basically: The entirety of how we view and perceive ourselves as unique from others. I learned this today in Cultural Studies. But can anyone be unique? I feel like I can't.

I spend an amount of time on thinking and wondering about this kind of stuff that is too damn high. I always tell people to accept themselves, to be who they truly are and not to change for relationship partners, friends or work too much. 

And yet here I am, judging myself, blaming myself for not being liked and appreciated by others. Thinking even about plastic surgery at very very low points in my life - but not for real considering it – because I may be superficial sometimes, but I don’t want to be that kind of person who has a nose job just to be liked by other people. 

Just to “look good” as “good” in the ideal of a fucking Barbie-Doll-society. I don’t have the money in any case. And if I had the money I wouldn’t FUCKING spend it on my face to look prettier!!! Overall, I don’t want to be that kind of person.

And yet there is this little voice in my head sometimes that suggests it, that says mean things like: They’re not going to like you because you’re dumb and ugly and just play pretend to be smart and funny and cute. If you had a better body or a smaller nose, they may do but even then...once they see beyond your façade, they will see that you are none of it. That you are as ordinary as can be. That you are the lamest person in the world, you aren’t good at something in particular, you just write and talk a lot about stuff that only matters to you, selfish prick. And you’re proud of yourself because you have 30 twitter followers. What does that make you? A better person? You are a fucking loser!

And I continue hating myself for being not as talented, not as cool and not as unique as I like myself to be. Hating myself for falling for this boy who is too young for me but I don’t really care and I know I barely know him, I’ve just met him (and this is crazy, but here's my number...) a few days ago but you know my heart and my brain are in different rooms right now. 

My brain sits in the office and reads texts for University all day long and complains why it can’t focus because heart is throwing a big birthday party down the hallway. Chanting jingles like: ¯ I DON’T CARE THAT YOU DON’T KNOW HIM, I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE BUSY – YOU ARE INTO HIM NOW– YAY!¯

It’s hard to be not into him, though. He seems intelligent and smart, a little arty, a little weird in a good way, a little childish but not annoying. I simply like the way he talks and the way he looks at things and how he touches his hair every 5 minutes what reminds me of me.

Just for the record: I didn't take his V-card or anything :D

Yeah, he has this messy hair and he’s tall and he is fucking adorable so shut up I know it all. May he be 17, and may I act like Jenna when she fools around with Owen in the new Awkward.-season (Owen is cute, though). To me it doesn’t feel wrong.

It doesn’t really matter because I have this feeling that he doesn’t like me back. Or I don't know. Because I know we kissed one time, but we were both drunk and we didn’t know each other (we don’t really know it now either) it was probably just the moment and he was maybe a little stoned, too. 

I don’t really know. I know just that I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s obviously a crush, nothing serious by now, but it annoys me and it fucks me up that I’m so freaking emotional in that business. WHY? Just why? Why can’t I just chill out and watch what happens next? Like I would advice my friends to do.

I literally have to force myself to stop texting him so he won’t think that I’m clingy and I want that he writes me back because he desires to, not because I urged him by bombarding him with a trillion messages.

I hate the fact that it brings back all my self-doubts like: Has anyone ever really loved me for who I am?  BUT yes, I think there were and there are people who do. And I'm so happy about this.

I am lucky. We're so lucky. And as I write these words a video comes to my mind and I will put it here.

I called this "Life Advice" but what can you really get out of this shit tbh? 

Maybe that sometimes, I am as lonely as you, or even Lonlier Than You. 

Maybe that sometimes I am a mess. Just like everyone else.

*well that sounds fucking depressing. 

Sorry by the way for the unusual amount of f-words in this entry.