Naked

On: intellectual, emotional connection (and a little bit of sex)


I want to be close to you. 
I am talking about close in the sense of the metaphysical approaching of two souls. Not in the sense of: Let's get naked and have an "adult slumber party" together (to choose Tyler Oakley's words).

I just wanna see you strip, right now. Cause it's late, babe                                            Girl, I just wanna see you strip, girl take your time with it - Chris Brown  

(No, Chris Brown, not like that! And even if you've got rhythm - there's no chance I am taking any advice from you!)

Is this a "first world problem"? (not that any of the topics discussed on this blog or in this context weren't first world problems...) Or is it just that for me it is neccessary to have a strong intellectual connection to be in a real relationship? I don't know but it's kind of hard for me to bond with you emotionally and on a conversational basis if we just have sex any minute I am in closer distance to you than 3 feet. Okay, maybe this was a bit over-dramatic. But you get my point, do you?

Don't get me wrong - We're having an awesome time, you and me (and awesome sex, #TMI for anybody else). But is this all there is? I hope that I'm wrong. I hope there is much more. 
This quote really puts into words how I feel like:

Please, tell me what your biggest fear is. Please ask me about my favourite place and all the names of the pets I had in my childhood. Please, let's discuss sexism and what we can do about it. Please, tell me who you love the most in your life. Please, tell me: Did you cry last night? And why? Please show me the drawings or poems or texts or songs noone is allowed to see. I'll show you mine. Please hand me your soul so I can touch it and keep it and  we can truly be together. 

... Well, this is going a bit further than planned. But you get it, do you? 

Maybe this helps: When I was younger I felt very uncomfortable being naked. Like naked-naked. Because it was hard for me to accept my body, my flaws (I guess I never woke up like this..). I didn't look like I wanted to look, I felt too chubby in a few and too thin in many places. Especially being naked with another person around was everything but enjoyable and always a big deal for me. 

It's not that this is the complete opposite and I spontaneously undress myself today in any situation - Gosh, I just do that all two weeks and only when I am in university.

 (not sure: do I have to underline that I'm joking?)

Yes, this is a picture of my belly - I feel no shame.

No, it's about how with time, experience and with many hours and self-conviction of "looking-at-yourself-in-the-mirror-and-realizing-that-this-person-is-you-and-that-you-are-beautiful" (and listening a lot to James Blunt) I got to a point where I can say: I'm not ashamed to be naked anymore. It is a good thing to say and to be.

But now, let's take this one step further. 

With projects like this blog, my journal and my ongoing mind carousel of reflecting on my everyday life, what I do and what I'm like, I try to figure out who I am. More importanly, to accept that person, that soul, that human that is me and only me. Because: You know, that you have to stick around with yourself till the end. No matter what. 

I guess you can draw a comparison of my naked ashamed self to myself who doesn't know who she is yet. Or maybe I kind of know it now. And I hope that you know who you are, too. 

Or maybe there lies the problem. Is it so? 

I want to let go of the shame and share with you what I have got to say. 

What's burning on my mind. And I want you to do the same for me. To me. With me. Tell me. 

“When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in.The light can get out.” ― John Green, Paper Towns

Certainly, I can't do it like that. I can't force you to strip your mind like I can't force you to strip your clothes. You would feel uncomfortable, you wouldn't feel right. (I really don't want to rape you, ok?) 

So I have to wait. 

Until you open up for me voluntarily. Until you let me see through your cracks. I know that it's light what's waiting there. I try to be patient and I really do understand that not everybody is as upfront and open about their most personal thoughts and feelings, as I am sometimes.

I just wanted to let you know: I'm honest. I'm in love with you. You can trust me.

You can be naked in front of me.