I know

On: How to move on

I'm on my own again. Listening to music in the middle of the night. Once I start thinking and stop to distract myself with playing stupid games, watching series, listening to podcasts, going out, drinking... once I start thinking... I feel weird. 

I've been here before. Suddenly walking my ways alone again. Sharing my life with so many people, but not having someone anymore whose door is open when I crawl out of the night club at 5 am. Whose bed is warm for me. Whose arms are always open.
It's all gone. The door is closed. For real this time. I know that we can live with it. I know I can. 
But right now it feels like something died. We buried the past and the potential future we had. This fact makes me sick. The fact that we look at each other, we see each other driving by on the street, we talk - but we are different. We feel wrong.h

This is the way that we love
Like it's forever
Then live the rest of our life
But not together

- Mika

(How sad is this fucking song?!)
All I want at this point is to move on, to get going again. It seems easy because my next year abroad is around the corner in september. 
And before that: The summer is here! It waits for me with assignments, university projects, a lot of work days, hopefully a lot of sunny wasted days at the nearby lake, festivals, holidays in Ireland and so much more!
I will be busy. I will be fine. I will have fun.
I know that. And I know he will move on, too. Seperate ways. 

One thing I am really looking forward to is a project I am doing with two really good friends. It's going to be a short film about a long distance friendship. The idea came up some time last year and has been sticking around since in the back of my head. Now is the time to do it - I ended the excuses and started telling people about it. I looked for and found a group in which I know this can work. Now we're looking for actors and start to write the script. Shit's gettin' real. ;)

How often have I told myself: "Just do it!" and then did not do it? I know I have to challenge myself
and do things I am afraid of to grow and experience new things. To be my best self. So that's what I do. 

All the nights that I doubt and waste my tears ... They're nothing I am proud of. 
My time on the internet. I mean, maybe there's some worth to it, for the language, for cultural reasons, for my ability to use and be native to social media. But in the end, it's nothing that I can show to my friends, my family, new people I meet. I want to have things that I created. "Look, what I've made, Mom!" 
Want these things to be meaningful in a way, worthwhile.

  
I look at my life and I look at all the beautiful things I've already did, relationships I built, what I wrote, what I filmed, what I thought was worth keeping and what ended up on some hard drive in the basement at my parents' house. I'm privileged as hell. I basically can do what I want and go wherever. 

I'm 21. I'm not obliged to make anything "work". I don't owe anyone. I am alone again. I guess that's alright. Now it may feel like I'll never be able to love again. But that is made-up bullshit, Lotta. You know that. Just let things happen. Just do you! Deep down I know that. I've been here before. 
I have got me, and overall I'm pretty happy with what I got.  

There are people who care about me - and people I care about. I don't let myself or them down because of money or a festival that was cancelled because of some realldy shitty bad weather (yeaaah) or a even shittier "Let's stay friends" break-up. 
I know it will also to take some nights to process all the shit that happened lately. I need to leave some room for questions, anger and grief. That's okay. But my life isn't over.

Keep your head up!
I am here trying to do the same.





 

Sitting by the river

There is your hand petting my shoulder, carressing my face. There are your lips on mine, your head so close could bite your nose. (Sometimes I do)

A while ago, me and my friends played Privacy, (obviously) a game that is about sharing private information. The trick is that you don't know who answered yes or no to the question, you just learn how many of your fellow players said yes, because the answering part happens secretly. 

There was the question: "Do you want more affection in your life?" 

Sadly, 5 out of 7 girls in the group answered "yes". 
I said "no".

Because I have you. 

I have more than enough. When we hug and you lift me up I weigh not 54 kg, I have the weight of a feather. I feel like a fucking princess in a fucking Disney movie. Because I have you. 

And you have me.

I know this is still honeymoon phase. There will be discussions not only solved by a giggle and a kiss, there will be real fights between us. There will be unbearable silence and uneasy steps towards each other. There will be lows following this high. It has been only roughly 5 months that "you and me" has become a thing. 

But this relationship has a decent potential to grow, to evolve to mean even more to me. I feel it. I'm quite sure here. We can make it. We can give it a try. 

A few days ago, to be more exact, the day before yesterday we sat by the river. You and me. We had a nice talk about the future, about going abroad, about the family members we don't really like and the ones we miss the most when we are away. We cuddled. I teased you and made bad jokes.

The flowers were yellow and some blue, and you claimed they were poisoned. I laughed and put you one in your ear. My sunglasses were broken. We kissed and laughed. The sound of the river drifting by smoothly, the pedestrians walking by, a kid chasing a dog. 

The smile on our faces. Your freckles. I capture this moment.

I wanted to know if you are happy, if you are satisfied in your life. 

You answered: "It couldn't be better, just now, could it?"

Manche Wünsche gehen in Erfüllung.

Naked

On: intellectual, emotional connection (and a little bit of sex)


I want to be close to you. 
I am talking about close in the sense of the metaphysical approaching of two souls. Not in the sense of: Let's get naked and have an "adult slumber party" together (to choose Tyler Oakley's words).

I just wanna see you strip, right now. Cause it's late, babe                                            Girl, I just wanna see you strip, girl take your time with it - Chris Brown  

(No, Chris Brown, not like that! And even if you've got rhythm - there's no chance I am taking any advice from you!)

Is this a "first world problem"? (not that any of the topics discussed on this blog or in this context weren't first world problems...) Or is it just that for me it is neccessary to have a strong intellectual connection to be in a real relationship? I don't know but it's kind of hard for me to bond with you emotionally and on a conversational basis if we just have sex any minute I am in closer distance to you than 3 feet. Okay, maybe this was a bit over-dramatic. But you get my point, do you?

Don't get me wrong - We're having an awesome time, you and me (and awesome sex, #TMI for anybody else). But is this all there is? I hope that I'm wrong. I hope there is much more. 
This quote really puts into words how I feel like:

Please, tell me what your biggest fear is. Please ask me about my favourite place and all the names of the pets I had in my childhood. Please, let's discuss sexism and what we can do about it. Please, tell me who you love the most in your life. Please, tell me: Did you cry last night? And why? Please show me the drawings or poems or texts or songs noone is allowed to see. I'll show you mine. Please hand me your soul so I can touch it and keep it and  we can truly be together. 

... Well, this is going a bit further than planned. But you get it, do you? 

Maybe this helps: When I was younger I felt very uncomfortable being naked. Like naked-naked. Because it was hard for me to accept my body, my flaws (I guess I never woke up like this..). I didn't look like I wanted to look, I felt too chubby in a few and too thin in many places. Especially being naked with another person around was everything but enjoyable and always a big deal for me. 

It's not that this is the complete opposite and I spontaneously undress myself today in any situation - Gosh, I just do that all two weeks and only when I am in university.

 (not sure: do I have to underline that I'm joking?)

Yes, this is a picture of my belly - I feel no shame.

No, it's about how with time, experience and with many hours and self-conviction of "looking-at-yourself-in-the-mirror-and-realizing-that-this-person-is-you-and-that-you-are-beautiful" (and listening a lot to James Blunt) I got to a point where I can say: I'm not ashamed to be naked anymore. It is a good thing to say and to be.

But now, let's take this one step further. 

With projects like this blog, my journal and my ongoing mind carousel of reflecting on my everyday life, what I do and what I'm like, I try to figure out who I am. More importanly, to accept that person, that soul, that human that is me and only me. Because: You know, that you have to stick around with yourself till the end. No matter what. 

I guess you can draw a comparison of my naked ashamed self to myself who doesn't know who she is yet. Or maybe I kind of know it now. And I hope that you know who you are, too. 

Or maybe there lies the problem. Is it so? 

I want to let go of the shame and share with you what I have got to say. 

What's burning on my mind. And I want you to do the same for me. To me. With me. Tell me. 

“When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in.The light can get out.” ― John Green, Paper Towns

Certainly, I can't do it like that. I can't force you to strip your mind like I can't force you to strip your clothes. You would feel uncomfortable, you wouldn't feel right. (I really don't want to rape you, ok?) 

So I have to wait. 

Until you open up for me voluntarily. Until you let me see through your cracks. I know that it's light what's waiting there. I try to be patient and I really do understand that not everybody is as upfront and open about their most personal thoughts and feelings, as I am sometimes.

I just wanted to let you know: I'm honest. I'm in love with you. You can trust me.

You can be naked in front of me.

Could you please fix me?

On: Friends suffering from serious heartbreaks and me trying to deal with it

So I crumble completely when you cry. It seems like once again you've had to greet me with Goodbye... Arctic Monkeys 

Why is it so freaking hard? To love and to be loved back. Why does not everyone we admire feel the exact same for us? Why isn't it always 1+1= 2 = Love? 
We grow up into a world full of fairytales, where the two protagonists, after several obstacles and the big misunderstanding, still get each other in the end. Where love is real, between two people and can't just fade with time or get broken by the betrayal of one. 

We grow up to believe that we could find that special somebody by whom we won't be hurt, we will just be loved into eternity. We grow up and see our parents divorce one another, we see how love is not eternal, it's temporary. And that there are different extents of love. A crush, a fling, a romance, a relationship, a marriage, a soulmate...

I know it's German but...They say:
"You're my favourite person"
"That will pass, too"

We realize that some people love other people so much they would die for them while the other person just doesn't care. 
Or parents who love their children so much they break completely if something happens to them. We experience our first very own heartbreak and begin to understand what this feeling is that every singer sings about and that every band has covered. 

Love is irrational. So is heartbreak. 
Hence it is hard for your friend to emphasize with you when you lie on your bed just crying about her, her and only HER forever. In your mind, there's only her face, her hair, her voice, her smile and the worst of all: her rejection of you. The bitter feeling that day left in your gut.
But it's easier for them when they got through a similar situation in their past. Like always. We can't put ourselves in the skin of others, we can just relate to some things they experience.

So that's what I did, two times in this year's cursed christmas holidays. 
"We just practically broke up. Can you come over? I need you!" said the Whatsapp message and you guys know how fucking hard and disastrous it can be to receive texts like this. Texts that scream from all of their letters: "I'M HURT! Could you please fix me?" 
Because to watch a real friend, a person you love so much, being sad and heartbroken, brings a bit of their bitter feeling in your gut, too. They are supposed to be happy! They are supposed to smile! Noone is allowed to hurt your baby! 

A similar situation with my best friend. Different lover, different length of the relationship - 
but the same fucking destructive feeling. Maybe it is typical for us humans how universal heartbreak is and in the same time the most personal and individual thing of all times.

His text says "I'm in the car in front of my house. Can you come?" . Without any emojis and with the background that he just talked to the person he's in love with, to clarify things, you know that he sits there alone in the dark, crying. That he doesn't want to go inside to avoid talking to his dad and explaining his red eyes and his terrible mood. 

We'll be there, talking and shedding tears in the dark. (source)

You know that nothing is okay. Everything is so wrong. It feels like it will never be right again. 
"Why can't it just be okay? Like it was in the beginning: We were so happy, I was so happy at the time. But now...?". He looks at me, sobbing, suing. But I can't answer his questions. 
Only these old dumb and lame phrases come to my mind. They are true. But they don't really help. "Time heals" and "It'll be alright" and "You're to good for them anyway" and "You don't need them to be happy" and "you'll find someone else".

I wonder if I am good at comforting people. I imagine the pain I went through in some times in my life. How I called them and cried for help. How I was a crumbled mess on the floor. How I thought that "It will be alright" was the biggest of all lies. 
And suddenly it gets easier to feel them, to console them and be there for them. It is a really important part of a friendship to be there in this time, to lend your hand when your friend is at the bottom. Help them up and get a new start.

Since I know this video by TimH, I've shown it all of my friends who were in a similiar situation. It really sums up in a wonderful slightly funny way how you feel after a relationship ended and you are still in love with the person. 
And I have to say thank you Tim, for making it, because it really helps. You may cry more at first, but you start to reflect about the how and why and that there is a way to move on. 


And yet here is your friend. So vulnerable, so weak, like you've never seen them before. They cry they look at you and beg you to fix them. But you can't. Only time is able to do it, and they themselves have to "get over it" (oh how I hate that this is true). The only thing you can do, is hug them, carress them, acknoledge that they're great people and the time/situation/person just wasn't right. Because, even if I sound like my mom, it WILL get better. There WILL be someone else. And... time really heals. 
Noone knows it better than you.