I know

On: How to move on

I'm on my own again. Listening to music in the middle of the night. Once I start thinking and stop to distract myself with playing stupid games, watching series, listening to podcasts, going out, drinking... once I start thinking... I feel weird. 

I've been here before. Suddenly walking my ways alone again. Sharing my life with so many people, but not having someone anymore whose door is open when I crawl out of the night club at 5 am. Whose bed is warm for me. Whose arms are always open.
It's all gone. The door is closed. For real this time. I know that we can live with it. I know I can. 
But right now it feels like something died. We buried the past and the potential future we had. This fact makes me sick. The fact that we look at each other, we see each other driving by on the street, we talk - but we are different. We feel wrong.h

This is the way that we love
Like it's forever
Then live the rest of our life
But not together

- Mika

(How sad is this fucking song?!)
All I want at this point is to move on, to get going again. It seems easy because my next year abroad is around the corner in september. 
And before that: The summer is here! It waits for me with assignments, university projects, a lot of work days, hopefully a lot of sunny wasted days at the nearby lake, festivals, holidays in Ireland and so much more!
I will be busy. I will be fine. I will have fun.
I know that. And I know he will move on, too. Seperate ways. 

One thing I am really looking forward to is a project I am doing with two really good friends. It's going to be a short film about a long distance friendship. The idea came up some time last year and has been sticking around since in the back of my head. Now is the time to do it - I ended the excuses and started telling people about it. I looked for and found a group in which I know this can work. Now we're looking for actors and start to write the script. Shit's gettin' real. ;)

How often have I told myself: "Just do it!" and then did not do it? I know I have to challenge myself
and do things I am afraid of to grow and experience new things. To be my best self. So that's what I do. 

All the nights that I doubt and waste my tears ... They're nothing I am proud of. 
My time on the internet. I mean, maybe there's some worth to it, for the language, for cultural reasons, for my ability to use and be native to social media. But in the end, it's nothing that I can show to my friends, my family, new people I meet. I want to have things that I created. "Look, what I've made, Mom!" 
Want these things to be meaningful in a way, worthwhile.

  
I look at my life and I look at all the beautiful things I've already did, relationships I built, what I wrote, what I filmed, what I thought was worth keeping and what ended up on some hard drive in the basement at my parents' house. I'm privileged as hell. I basically can do what I want and go wherever. 

I'm 21. I'm not obliged to make anything "work". I don't owe anyone. I am alone again. I guess that's alright. Now it may feel like I'll never be able to love again. But that is made-up bullshit, Lotta. You know that. Just let things happen. Just do you! Deep down I know that. I've been here before. 
I have got me, and overall I'm pretty happy with what I got.  

There are people who care about me - and people I care about. I don't let myself or them down because of money or a festival that was cancelled because of some realldy shitty bad weather (yeaaah) or a even shittier "Let's stay friends" break-up. 
I know it will also to take some nights to process all the shit that happened lately. I need to leave some room for questions, anger and grief. That's okay. But my life isn't over.

Keep your head up!
I am here trying to do the same.





 

The Hat is gone

Do you know this feeling? 

There is something material, a thing - but you get attached to it. In a special way. In a way that you really remark and appreciate this thing even if you use it or see it or wear it almost every day.

I had this with a cereal bowl a few years ago. We bought it in France in a small sweet pottery store at the beach promenade. It was all colourful and had a glossy surface that you'd like to touch. 
When I accidently broke it several years later, I really felt like a part of me broke, too.
And you could argue that's just childish or you could see me as a capitalist and ruthless person that clings to material things more than people. 

But for me it was more than that. It showed an extraordinary important truth about myself and about humans in general: Failure. My own powerlessness concerning my own mistakes. 
Realizing that some steps can't be took back. Some decisions, or even non-decisions - just slippery hands or a wrong word can lead to a very bad thing and you can't do nothing about it. I can turn it in my head round and round: I could have... I should have... If there only had been... If I only knew... I would have...

Still in the end, I'm back at ground zero, realizing that there is no reverse button for this, that I can't just easily pick up the pieces and repair the bowl.

Heb die Scherben von gestern auf - und merk: Sie gehn' nicht mehr zusamm' - Max Herre

This counts for a relationship as well as for a cereal bowl. It matches my feeling after I dropped a pot of boiling soup on my bare feet. It cruelly reminds me of the day someone died and I could have prevented it. If I just had said: "Let's go home!" an hour earlier. 
Someone would still be alive that is not today. This was 4 years ago, but sometimes I still feel the same damn feeling. I feel

powerless.

I feel goddamn human. Tiny in a fucking big universe. Afraid of getting too afraid to do anything if anything can lead to anything. If anything means that someone dies.
If anything means that you lose someone forever. 
Or if anything only means that you break your favorite dish.

A while ago a had a hard time - a confusing, sad, depressing time (Booooys problems, obvi) and I came up with a good metaphor (because I do extremly well in coming up with good metaphors). 
I pictured someone that I left behind standing inside a house with an open door. A door that I didn't slam, a door that I left open when I pissed off into nirvana. 
There he is and there is the open door. He is someone that has still feelings for me even when I hurt him big time. If I'd turn around and come back, he'd welcome me, I could still go through the open door.
But I think there is a limited time span for the door opening hours. Once closed, it will probably never open up for you. And when time passes, maybe someone else will come in and close it. It won't be open forever. So I ran back when I knew I still was able to. I calmly and steadily walked away from this door believing that I did what was best for me. 

And then I realized where I was heading... No, I didn't know where exactly I was going but I suddenly understood that this someone I left behind in the house wasn't going to follow me and join me. 
So I turned and I fucking ran. I sprinted and I made it before the door closed. 







But the words that were already said, the things I had done before I left couldn't be erased. The broken fragments of the bowl still lay there on the floor. I had shattered it. And now I could barely fix it. 
I am so sorry for this. And for the ones who had to suffer so that I could find my egoistic way through this jungle of feelings, expectations, confessions, non-articulated thoughts and walls. I'm sorry.
 

What this was all about - or at least what was on my mind when I started this entry, was the fact that I lost my hat. I was drunk. I rode my bike (you really shouldn't do this, kids!). I had a small accident and fell (see?!). And the hat was gone. 

Now, I look at pictures before last year and realize that I already was a whole person before I wore the hat. But somehow it felt safe to wear it. Like a masquerade - like who I wanted to be. Red lipstick, black hat, blurry nights. It was more than appearance, it added up to my identity. Now I feel naked sometimes, even when fully dressed. 
I desperately try to compensate my feeling of loss by wearing a lot of beanies. Yes, I'm aware that I'm writing silly shit down now... But there's a true core to everything we say. Wearing a hat changed me. Or I changed so I started wearing a hat...? Whatever way round, I lost it. And I can't turn time back to avoid losing it. Screw me, right? But...


The hat is gone. Why don't you live with it?

 

In Between Times

On: a film project, turning points, the search for focus and "how to live"

While everyone is back home enjoying their holidays, I'm still here.

I'm working on a film project, first a 2-week (post-/production) course and later our own little 5-min-or-so-movie for university. It's fun and exhausting at the same time. 

I've never really realized how much work you have to put into just one tiny scene of a movie, containing 3-8 different shots (e.g. detail, panorama, close-up). Everytime you move the camera around (which can be quite tricky with its tripod, the mirophone, the lights...), you have to change or adjust all your settings again: The white balance (depends on indoor/outdoor shooting), the shutter dissolve to make sure you have decent lighting but no overexposure, the tone (which microphone type do you use? Are the background noises too strong? All voices audible?) and last but not least the focus.

If you're trying to film a person, always zoom in on the eyes and focus there (automatic peaking helps so much).

I learned what the golden ratio is and that you need a 3-point-light-system to make a person look sympathetic and well in your takes. Superficially, I learned how to cut scenes, cross-cut soundtracks and so on. The fun times we had when we shot our little Katy Perry parody (me and my bestie) in 2010, really helped me out with this. Because although we use Adobe Premiere now and used some shitty trial program back then, if you did cutting once, it's easy to get back into it later. It's no sorcery. 

All in all, I've put more effort in this course than in any other of the first and now past semester. Everyday 9 to 5 is not my usual uni schedule ;) . When I look around and see some of my fellow students and some friends that are studying, too, I get the feeling that I am quite okay with the balance of the work I do, with my stress level (all time low) and my free time, and especially "me-time". I used to set up too many appointments, join too many clubs and things; now I am trying to do a lot, but not too much. This semester, I finally retook karate as a long-missed hobby of mine. I still play the guitar (mostly at home though; here I only have my ukulele - But that's fine at least I'm working on it). I am in the "Fachschaft" which is a student council but in our little field of studies rather a coffee-drinking bunch of nice girls and one guy. Not so much about university politics, rather about planning a MKW blog (guess who's in for it?) and the christmas party. 

Recently, I noticed a relatively blank paper note in front of the cafeteria, saying "actors/actresses for student theater group wanted".

So I've joined a theater group. It's led by a philosophy Master student, Felix. Or better: Not led, but managed, because leading would sound too much like a hierarchy which we are clearly not (in his words). 

Yeah, it's a lot of fun. We're playing scenes from the play we want to get on stage, "Eleutheria" by Beckett, we're doing a bunch of funny impro theater games and practises or we discuss the great mysteries of our society like the gender trouble by a beer, a red wine, a whiskey coke and an apple juice (literally in this order at our table). They're all interesting, fun and creative new people. 

While collecting and brainstorming ideas for our own movie in the film project, I couldn't let go of that one vision of a film based on the butterfly effect. One little thing changed can be a great turning point in your life and can literally change everything. As an example we want to use a lovestory, okay, that was kind of obvious, two people meeting and falling in love, caused by one tiny decision by the girl. She chose M&Ms, not Snickers leading to her finding the man she will marry. We will put in some drama and the idea that going back and changing that candy decision could be possible. And that's it ;). 

These film ideas, not yet realized and haunting my mind, brought me the back a thought I had a while ago. About my own life, my own decisions and especially the one going abroad to Paris and how that changed everything and influenced everything. And how the choice of going to Freiburg for my studies influenced who I met and who I will going to meet here, how it excluded all the alternative routes my life could have taken. I could be in Düsseldorf, studying social sciences, in Cologne doing the same major but a different minor, in Stuttgart doing rather design than theoretical studies on media. 

I would have never met my current boyfriend. Or the new friends that I found here. Probably, no, certainly I would have found others. That would have changed me differently, affected me in another way than the people here are doing it now. I once said, and I still say it, that I don't want to go back. (#noregrets)

I believe that every decision we make out of feelings and reflection (Trust your guts!) is right at the moment and for our lives, even if it turns out to be shitty later on. The good thing is: Noone is punished for taking a turn, for following a new track or breaking off something you don't like doing. Life holds opportunities for anyone at any time. A gap in your CV might have been the best thing you have ever done. I know it's hard sometimes to keep it all in mind: The past, the future, the now. Keeping your shit together. Because in our studies, our work and our daily life we're often too concerned about what's going to happen: Tomorrow, next week, in 10 years. "When will we schedule the meeting? When will the exams take place? What will I do after I finished school? What do I want to do for a living? I have to save for my holiday plans..."

All this stuff is important, it's necessary in some ways. Keeps us going. And nobody is less attractive and convincing than someone who doesn't know what they want and in which direction they're headed. 

But on which field should we lay our focus on? There's also our past, producing and deleting memories every minute that goes by. We narrate it, it defines us, it makes us what we are today. And there's the NOW. Often celebrated, often over- and sometimes underestimated. You can't just live in the moment, because the moment passes too quickly. There will be always your memories, your stories connecting with the things you're doing now and the emotions you feel. Like the music my boyfriend put on this afternoon on his (vynil) record player (he's kind of a freak when it comes to music). It was Milky Chance, two german guys who make music you can dance or just dream to and who I discovered almost exactly a year ago in Paris. And saw them there, live.

Paris, La Défense, Festival Chorus, March 2014

Like you noticed, I immediately connected their voices, the soft tone of their chords and bass to the good times I had, riding my bicycle in Paris listening to their songs or the concert there at La Défense. I couldn't help myself, they made me smile, they took me back to moments long gone; I can't live without my past. Neither without my future, sneaking around in the back of my head where all the travel plans lie, the career goals. The house with the garden and the kids, in a golden fluffy dust of maybes. 

I can't live without your breath by my past, Babe                                                          I can't breathe without your life by my future                                                           I can't see clear without your teardrops in my eyes - Mando Diao

You can never live in any of those three states, those three times. You're not able to focus on one thing, like the camera does. You always mix up the three, they are like ropes, each pulling you towards another hole. Don't get caught up by one or you'll fall. You get lost. Maybe in dreams of how it could be, or in nostalgic memories, or in the moment, by doing drugs or loving someone you know there will be no future with. Fuck, it's harder to live than I thought it was.

What I wanted to say in the first place, was, that I think that I'm relatively good at managing the ropes and not letting me be pulled into a hole. Although I have a week of holidays in Paris planned and I am sooo up for falling in that hole, at least for a week ;). 

And we were bound to the citylife. Flashlights when we're falling into the night. Focused on what you feel; just when you were calling her love that day - Milky Chance

Everyhing is going well with my boyfriend, at least I'd say so. He's a big part of my present (and my near past, as you may recall). 

And maybe of my future... *dramatically romantic stare into infinity* 

Naaah, you guys know me. A little bit of hopeless romantic behaviour never killed nobody. 

I really like him. He's a good one. :) In contrast to former relationships or relations to guys I am sure that he likes me back, that he is honest and would never cheat on me - Umm, according to this list, he's almost perfect. I'm still making plans on travelling with my friend in summer, I have tickets for a festival, I dream of the next time being abroad longer, of doing language courses, of visiting people. Okay now enough with the shameless self-promotion by linking you to older posts. What I wanted to say is:

I'm holding the ropes, I'm keeping my balance.

Ok, done with this rope metaphor- I'm living my life.

In between different times and states of minds. But overall, I'm fine.