What's wrong with the World

On: Is human nature a thing and how did we end up in this mess?

We are living in a Black Mirror episode.

— Calvin (@calvinstowell) 9. November 2016

When I came home today, after roughly three months of not seeing my family, I had a talk with my mum over coffee and home-made christmas biscuits. All of this screams: "Idyll! Harmony! Home!" but our conversation not consisted of any of these. 
We talked about all the shit that went down in 2016 and how it is, with high probability, going to be even worse next year. How Europe and "the West" in general and Africa, Africa in particular, and every other place in the world is kind of fucked in a way. 

Europe is lost.

My mum says we didn't learn anything from history. And I am so afraid that she might be right. I turn into that kind of person I don't want to be, I have been fighting all along not to become: A scared person. A weak one. A hopeless one. Because out of all, these are the worst things we can have, the worst of the worst emotions to have about the state of the world today. 

Like I stated before on this blog, I think that this world presents itself as bad oftenly, especially on the news. Every few hours, days, weeks, months - a new catastrophe happens, a crisis, an attack, a drone strike, a war. Maybe many people die. 
Or only one person dies. 
Forgotten. Lost. 
But as we all know from our personal lives, the death of one person can mean the world to us. And nobody's death "doesn't matter". Just tonight, as I write these lines, 12 people were killed in my home country, in Berlin. It's not clear yet: Was it a rampage, an accident - a terrorist attack? 

What's gonna be left of the world, when you're not in it? - Bastille, "good grief"

It does not really matter. All I see is the fear that spreads, rumours, hatred that poisons every potential discussion and makes it impossible. All I see are wasted lives. Lives of people that still could have done good in the world. Or just enjoyed their existence. And everyday in conflicts on the African continent, in violent acts against one another, humans kill each other. Erase each others lives. As if there was no worth to them, no meaning. 

Kindergarten politics 

Is there? This may be a question to answer in another entry, but what I like to talk about today is: How and why does this all happen? Mum and I went back to the kindergarten. As she is a trained kindergarten teacher who has worked in the field for about 30 years now, and I have a good year of experience myself (not comparable, I'll give you that, mum), we have some examples to draw from. I had this crazy idea a little while back, that all international politics come down to kindergarten fights. Is it about who gets the good toy or about "I was here before, this is my sandbox!" or about "HE STARTED HITTING ME FOR NO REASON!", it's so ironic and funny that we can break down bigger conflicts like that. 

I'm studying politics, so obviously, I know that it's not that easy. But looking at children does help to understand adults better. Why do they act like they act? 
A lot of responsibility lies in parenting. Some social scientists even argue that socialisation is the one and only source and reason for the actions, opinions and character of a person. I would not go that far, but I think it is a key factor in how a human turns out to be. Education, not only from the parents plays a big role, as well. 

Another one is experience and how you reflect on it. If 4-year-old Billy hits you for no reason with a building block repeatedly, you are more likely to believe that people are evil for no reason or use violence for fun. If you meet your best friend for life in kindergarten, who always supports you when you struggle, you're more likely to believe in real friendship and long-lasting human cooperation and relationships. 

WTF is human nature?!

So what do you think: What is human nature? Good? Evil? Nothing at all? And how do you "become" evil? 
An interesting idea is the one stated above in a fairly old vlogbrothers youtube video: Can you keep evil people from becoming evil by raising them right? Where does "Evil" come from? That's also a question on which Hannah Arendt had insightful and inspiring thoughts . But this entry is neither here to discuss the concept of "Evil" in general, nor for unfolding complicated psychological or political processes. I think it's here to make a statement against the hatred and the fear that are so blooming and growing out there in our world, that I'm afraid we're caught in a garden, a jungle of fear already. It's hard to see through it, to see the world how it is. 
As constructivism states, maybe there is no such thing as "the real world" because there is no reality, no objectivity at all. There are only billions of constructions of reality that each and everyone of us has built or adopted, varied or kept the same since kindergarten.

are we living in a jungle of fear? pc: pixabay

And now we're getting closer to the point I wanted to make. The pieces that are missing in our jigsaw of the human nature are, in my mere opinion, personality and free will. With personality (I don't know if I used the right term, sorry, psychologists) I mean the thing that is you, maybe the voice inside your head, something that you'd call a "soul" or a "consciousness", the flaws and peculiarities that you have, your feelings and your thoughts. I think that personality, although it is highly influenced by socialisation, experience and many other factors, is something that is distinct to every human, that everyone has their own. Even if the little human is only 3 years old, like my mum strongly argues in favor of, he or she can have an agenda, plan their behavior, they can even have malicious intentions. 

Here we go - the free will. Regarding it scientists have different outlooks, too, some reject the idea completely. They say we are only victims to the influences of our environment. Our actions only reflect what we learned and know to be true. They have a point, but still, what meaning can life actually have without a free human will? We would just be leaves floating in the uncontrollable stream of a big river or sea, without a plan, without a destiny, without a choice, without any cause.*

So the thing is, we can not simplify and generalize people, like we always tend to do. 


If we talk about refugees for example, we have to keep in mind, that these are so many different complex humans. Every one of them has feelings, experiences, traumas, goals, fears and an agenda. Just like when you look at a group of children in kindergarten. 25 different humans. Some like to fit into the community, do as the teacher says and sit peacefully at a miniature desk drawing flowers. Some just like to be alone. Others like to disturb the group, because they have problems at home and need to project these onto others. Or just because some humans are little pricks (Excuse my language, but you know...) Sometimes it needs to be said. For whatever reason, some people come to decide that they want to harm others. That's why they throw a building block - or fire a rifle. And here, too, I like to point out the complexity of it all again. There are no simple classifications. There are so many reasons for becoming a "criminal" or a person that does no good. 

Complexity is the blessing and the curse of human nature. 

Basically, we are all so stuck in our perspective and world views, that we are not able to emphasize with others who have a really different one. A friend of mine also worried about that this is what makes discussions with the opposite political side so difficult: You can not even sit at one table because your perceptions and constructions of reality are too different. This is why everything in our world is so fucked. The people who are "evil" (and I mean evil in my own constructed unclear version of reality) raise their children like-minded. For example abusive or addicted parents tend to pass this behavior on to their kids. This is horrible.  
This is so fucked. 

And furthermore, we still bear the burden of the past, the history on our shoulders. In Germany, Nazi-Germany and the Holocaust are still present, also you can still feel the seperation of the country back from the Cold War days. 
Globally, I can only shake my head in disbelief, about all the inequalities that European colonialism has created and how the Western world still try to establish and maintain superiority and supremacy about other cultures and states... - like we own the fucking place.

Nobody owns the fucking place, though! The world is so rich in its beauty, its diversity, its complexity, in the ways that lives can be lived; by plants, animals, humans. And some humans just look at it as property, as a means to gain profits. (Neoliberal society and their jerk parents maybe made them do it but who cares) What matters is, they destroy our planet. They harm other people, themselves, and the best of it: They leave a nice fucked up place behind for their grand-children: "They can deal with it, because we'll be no longer around."

That's what's wrong with the world. 

I would love to end this on a positive note. But it's so hard to find one. Everywhere in Europe, right-wing movements are reaching for or are already in power. Millions died in the terrible wars in Syria, Libya, Somalia (and countless more). Thousands died and suffered on their journey out of this hell. Gay people get arrested in Iraq, and spit on in Russia. Donald Trump is going to be the fucking US president. Meanwhile, there are still dictatorships in place. States where human rights are not a thing. And on top of that, the environment goes to shit. This is so fucking sad. 
And I am sitting here in my privileged white-people-middle-class-bedroom, writing these pretencious lines on my computer, living a life based on the costs of others. Torn and stuck in a web of dependencies, historical, societal, personal and economic ties, I'm almost paralyzed. A question that turns around in my head a lot these days is: How can I be good to this world? Or at least not as bad?

And there it is, my positive note: Please, do something about it. You. 
Me. We have to do it. We can. Giving up is not an option, is it? For me, it's not. "That's just how things are" is not an argument. Change is possible. 

Und auch wenn man es oft vergisst. Ein neuer Blickwinkel kann helfen, wenn einem zum Kotzen ist. Mann, eigentlich ist ganz vieles wunderbar. Und ganz vieles war ganz scheiße vor 100 Jahren. Denke ich mir so, während ich den Text schreib. Dann schalte ich den Fernseher an - und kriege wieder Brechreiz. 

-   Edgar Wasser, "Back in the days"

Look at everything good people have already accomplished. Human rights are a thing, constitutions, laws, justice systems, environmental politics and protection, renewable energies, food saving, volunteers who help refugees, vegetarian and vegan lifestyles, less cruel animal farming and slaughters, equal rights for women and people with sexualities that differ from "the norm" (at least in some places). 
There are the types of music, art, science and media that decide to try to do good things for people. Lastly, what about all the little things in a "normal" life that can make you happy?

We need to conquer the fears and counter the insecuritiy we feel. We must try to reflect on our subjective views and on the complexity of others. I know, that's a lot. Our brains are really complex, too, but it's still hard work for them. There are assholes out there. People who don't care. But I think deep down, you are not one of them. You care. 

Do something - LITERALLY ANYTHING - about it!










*Okay maybe we are, but this would be really really really depressing, so I choose not to believe in it, at least not today, I can keep that for even more sad days and also for a further entry on the meaning of life. YAY. That doesn't sound like an upcoming existential crisis at all.

Hard to remember

On: Memory

I wish I had a Polaroid ...

So I could remember - Shwayze

Memories get blurry after a while. Do you remember who you spent this day with?
I do, because it was only last weekend when we jumped into the April-cold Belgian sea together

So this is something was occupied with in Uni a while ago (in my cultural studies lesson). But since then, it hasn't left my mind completely. It keeps spinning round and round and I'm still trying to figure out why it concerns me this much.

Remembering. And, inseperably connected to it, Forgetting.

I reflected on changing in the past. And changing goes along with creating different versions of yourself. The past-version of you is different from yourself today. If not superficially, I'm sure, under your skin. We learn, we evolve, we grow, we make mistakes and so we alter our habits, interests, lovers, opinions, friends and lived spaces. 

Nights out. Getting french fries at 3 am.
But what did we laugh about again...?

But we are able to remember our past-versions, so these things don't get lost forever. 
In a round of friends we discussed past-versions of ourselves in a bar. One said she used to be a total punk when she was younger, wearing ripped gloves and studded belts and she even had dyed her hair neon pink at the time. 

Another one told us about a wild phase of hers when she was desperately (but successfully) trying to get into night clubs even though she was underaged. Except the one time she and her friend got caught by the police and she recalled how frightened she was back then.

We wouldn't know and we couldn't tell these stories, if we weren't able to remember them. I read that (following recent research, but not for sure though)  the amount of data our brain can store equals 2500 hard drives of 1 terabyte. That means you could remember three million hours of TV shows and maybe there would be still space left to fill up in your brain. 

But still, all day long we perceive millions and millions of things, we see a lot of strange faces (if we decide to leave Netflix alone for a minute and actually leave the house - I know... absurd). I read (but I don't remember where...badum tss) that all the people who play roles in our dreams are real or parts of real people we have once encountered. Even though our consciousness can't remember them, unconsciously, a catalog of faces is stored in our mind and re-used to fill up random characters in our dream world. How crazy is this???

A picture I took  when I visited my brother the last time. How does his face look again?
(I'm kidding)

The point I wanted to make is that we are not only able to conserve a ton of things, thoughts, places, feelings - but there are at least another ton of things a day that we immediately (or after a short while) forget. Mostly things that our brain sorts out as "not important" or "irrelevant" for our life. That's why it is so hard to recall what you had for lunch on Tuesday, two weeks ago.

And why you may better remember that big fight with your brother you had on the exact same day. Memories that are connected to strong emotions, such as anger, are more likely to be categorized as "relevant" by our brain.

Sometimes our brain works in mysterious ways. What we keep can seem random. For example, I am very good at remembering song lyrics and exact lines from comedians or youtubers I enjoy watching... Pretty random - But who knows maybe someday this will save my life...? Well, rather unlikely. 
What we lose is terrible. Maybe we wanted to keep it - beloved childhood memories, nice days with friends and family or things you did with your boyfriend. But hey, it's gone. At least I don't remember having a good time with him. Do you?

Remember cuddles in the kitchen, 

yeah, to get things off the ground...?

It was up, up and away - Arctic Monkeys

No, for real: I am afraid of losing my memories. It is losing a part of yourself at the same time. 
What am I when I have no memories? I can't tell my story. I don't have a story anymore. I'm so sad and sorry for Alzheimer's patients. I am afraid of getting the disease. I don't want to forget. Noone wants to. Not being able to recall your own child's features. Imagine, your mom doesn't know who you are anymore. Just imagine.
Another fear of mine is that my memories aren't real. It's scientifically proven that we alter our memories everytime we bring them to our minds again. Which means that our favourite, most beloved memories are the most fake of them all.


So what are they, in the end? Memories are such blurry, unstable, unclear thoughts, emotions, they are partly or completely changed fragments of our past.
What do we do with them? - We build on them, we base our identity on them. We live and decide in ways that "experience told us". We trust them blindly. We cry over them. Constructs of our minds leading us. 
But in a different way, they are not solid, always changeable, always adjustable for now and the new actuality. The same story, concluded by a different moral. Or different way of telling it. It's fascinating. It's frightening. Is anything of it real?

Hey, remember last summer when
we decided to make "Guerilla Street Art" for one night?

In the movie of "Divergent" (I'm sure you know it, don't you?) it is possible to view the dreams of the protagonist on screen. That's utopic for us today (Or dystopic?). 
But I am quite convinced that we will be able to do this in reality in the future. Will we be able to see our memories, too? Like literally seeing them on screen, letting other people be part of it like they are watching a movie? Whaaat?!
We would be able to compare memories of different people of the same incident. We would realize why they are so sure about what "really happened" - each one telling a different version of the story. Awesome!

But in some way, it would be creepy and unpleasant, too. Because, like our dreams and inner thoughts (as long as we don't brag about them on the internet, like I love to do), our memories are private. They are some of the most intimate things. Some of them are even secrets. 
There are others we love to share, of course: Funny things that happened, good news, wedding plans, a good book we read last week... But some are restricted. Some may never be told at all. Not forgotten till the end - but not told to anyone EVER. How would we react if there were people that were able to show these memories on screen? Maybe using them against our will and against us? 


Away from this dystopic, controled(-by-evil-leaders), futuristic world! 
Back to my memories. I remember a line on the receipt of a bar in Paris. The bar was rather shitty. It tried to hard to be an Irish Pub and showed a lot of soccer and Rugby matches on badly placed TVs. The drinks were too pricy and the seats uncomfortably high set. 
But on the receipt it said the name of the bar and after it "Easy to find - hard to forget". In a way, this saying was ironic. In a way, I thought, in a sudden semblance of melancholy: This is what I want to be for other people. Or maybe this is already the case. 
Thought of my ex boyfriend. Thought of people I don't know anymore who were close friends 10 years ago. Thought of how many people I had forgotten. Thought of all the people who met me once and had already forgotten me. 


But mostly I thought about the people who will remember me.

 "I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be."
(katarinavelika.files.wordpress.com)

In Between Times

On: a film project, turning points, the search for focus and "how to live"

While everyone is back home enjoying their holidays, I'm still here.

I'm working on a film project, first a 2-week (post-/production) course and later our own little 5-min-or-so-movie for university. It's fun and exhausting at the same time. 

I've never really realized how much work you have to put into just one tiny scene of a movie, containing 3-8 different shots (e.g. detail, panorama, close-up). Everytime you move the camera around (which can be quite tricky with its tripod, the mirophone, the lights...), you have to change or adjust all your settings again: The white balance (depends on indoor/outdoor shooting), the shutter dissolve to make sure you have decent lighting but no overexposure, the tone (which microphone type do you use? Are the background noises too strong? All voices audible?) and last but not least the focus.

If you're trying to film a person, always zoom in on the eyes and focus there (automatic peaking helps so much).

I learned what the golden ratio is and that you need a 3-point-light-system to make a person look sympathetic and well in your takes. Superficially, I learned how to cut scenes, cross-cut soundtracks and so on. The fun times we had when we shot our little Katy Perry parody (me and my bestie) in 2010, really helped me out with this. Because although we use Adobe Premiere now and used some shitty trial program back then, if you did cutting once, it's easy to get back into it later. It's no sorcery. 

All in all, I've put more effort in this course than in any other of the first and now past semester. Everyday 9 to 5 is not my usual uni schedule ;) . When I look around and see some of my fellow students and some friends that are studying, too, I get the feeling that I am quite okay with the balance of the work I do, with my stress level (all time low) and my free time, and especially "me-time". I used to set up too many appointments, join too many clubs and things; now I am trying to do a lot, but not too much. This semester, I finally retook karate as a long-missed hobby of mine. I still play the guitar (mostly at home though; here I only have my ukulele - But that's fine at least I'm working on it). I am in the "Fachschaft" which is a student council but in our little field of studies rather a coffee-drinking bunch of nice girls and one guy. Not so much about university politics, rather about planning a MKW blog (guess who's in for it?) and the christmas party. 

Recently, I noticed a relatively blank paper note in front of the cafeteria, saying "actors/actresses for student theater group wanted".

So I've joined a theater group. It's led by a philosophy Master student, Felix. Or better: Not led, but managed, because leading would sound too much like a hierarchy which we are clearly not (in his words). 

Yeah, it's a lot of fun. We're playing scenes from the play we want to get on stage, "Eleutheria" by Beckett, we're doing a bunch of funny impro theater games and practises or we discuss the great mysteries of our society like the gender trouble by a beer, a red wine, a whiskey coke and an apple juice (literally in this order at our table). They're all interesting, fun and creative new people. 

While collecting and brainstorming ideas for our own movie in the film project, I couldn't let go of that one vision of a film based on the butterfly effect. One little thing changed can be a great turning point in your life and can literally change everything. As an example we want to use a lovestory, okay, that was kind of obvious, two people meeting and falling in love, caused by one tiny decision by the girl. She chose M&Ms, not Snickers leading to her finding the man she will marry. We will put in some drama and the idea that going back and changing that candy decision could be possible. And that's it ;). 

These film ideas, not yet realized and haunting my mind, brought me the back a thought I had a while ago. About my own life, my own decisions and especially the one going abroad to Paris and how that changed everything and influenced everything. And how the choice of going to Freiburg for my studies influenced who I met and who I will going to meet here, how it excluded all the alternative routes my life could have taken. I could be in Düsseldorf, studying social sciences, in Cologne doing the same major but a different minor, in Stuttgart doing rather design than theoretical studies on media. 

I would have never met my current boyfriend. Or the new friends that I found here. Probably, no, certainly I would have found others. That would have changed me differently, affected me in another way than the people here are doing it now. I once said, and I still say it, that I don't want to go back. (#noregrets)

I believe that every decision we make out of feelings and reflection (Trust your guts!) is right at the moment and for our lives, even if it turns out to be shitty later on. The good thing is: Noone is punished for taking a turn, for following a new track or breaking off something you don't like doing. Life holds opportunities for anyone at any time. A gap in your CV might have been the best thing you have ever done. I know it's hard sometimes to keep it all in mind: The past, the future, the now. Keeping your shit together. Because in our studies, our work and our daily life we're often too concerned about what's going to happen: Tomorrow, next week, in 10 years. "When will we schedule the meeting? When will the exams take place? What will I do after I finished school? What do I want to do for a living? I have to save for my holiday plans..."

All this stuff is important, it's necessary in some ways. Keeps us going. And nobody is less attractive and convincing than someone who doesn't know what they want and in which direction they're headed. 

But on which field should we lay our focus on? There's also our past, producing and deleting memories every minute that goes by. We narrate it, it defines us, it makes us what we are today. And there's the NOW. Often celebrated, often over- and sometimes underestimated. You can't just live in the moment, because the moment passes too quickly. There will be always your memories, your stories connecting with the things you're doing now and the emotions you feel. Like the music my boyfriend put on this afternoon on his (vynil) record player (he's kind of a freak when it comes to music). It was Milky Chance, two german guys who make music you can dance or just dream to and who I discovered almost exactly a year ago in Paris. And saw them there, live.

Paris, La Défense, Festival Chorus, March 2014

Like you noticed, I immediately connected their voices, the soft tone of their chords and bass to the good times I had, riding my bicycle in Paris listening to their songs or the concert there at La Défense. I couldn't help myself, they made me smile, they took me back to moments long gone; I can't live without my past. Neither without my future, sneaking around in the back of my head where all the travel plans lie, the career goals. The house with the garden and the kids, in a golden fluffy dust of maybes. 

I can't live without your breath by my past, Babe                                                          I can't breathe without your life by my future                                                           I can't see clear without your teardrops in my eyes - Mando Diao

You can never live in any of those three states, those three times. You're not able to focus on one thing, like the camera does. You always mix up the three, they are like ropes, each pulling you towards another hole. Don't get caught up by one or you'll fall. You get lost. Maybe in dreams of how it could be, or in nostalgic memories, or in the moment, by doing drugs or loving someone you know there will be no future with. Fuck, it's harder to live than I thought it was.

What I wanted to say in the first place, was, that I think that I'm relatively good at managing the ropes and not letting me be pulled into a hole. Although I have a week of holidays in Paris planned and I am sooo up for falling in that hole, at least for a week ;). 

And we were bound to the citylife. Flashlights when we're falling into the night. Focused on what you feel; just when you were calling her love that day - Milky Chance

Everyhing is going well with my boyfriend, at least I'd say so. He's a big part of my present (and my near past, as you may recall). 

And maybe of my future... *dramatically romantic stare into infinity* 

Naaah, you guys know me. A little bit of hopeless romantic behaviour never killed nobody. 

I really like him. He's a good one. :) In contrast to former relationships or relations to guys I am sure that he likes me back, that he is honest and would never cheat on me - Umm, according to this list, he's almost perfect. I'm still making plans on travelling with my friend in summer, I have tickets for a festival, I dream of the next time being abroad longer, of doing language courses, of visiting people. Okay now enough with the shameless self-promotion by linking you to older posts. What I wanted to say is:

I'm holding the ropes, I'm keeping my balance.

Ok, done with this rope metaphor- I'm living my life.

In between different times and states of minds. But overall, I'm fine.