I know

On: How to move on

I'm on my own again. Listening to music in the middle of the night. Once I start thinking and stop to distract myself with playing stupid games, watching series, listening to podcasts, going out, drinking... once I start thinking... I feel weird. 

I've been here before. Suddenly walking my ways alone again. Sharing my life with so many people, but not having someone anymore whose door is open when I crawl out of the night club at 5 am. Whose bed is warm for me. Whose arms are always open.
It's all gone. The door is closed. For real this time. I know that we can live with it. I know I can. 
But right now it feels like something died. We buried the past and the potential future we had. This fact makes me sick. The fact that we look at each other, we see each other driving by on the street, we talk - but we are different. We feel wrong.h

This is the way that we love
Like it's forever
Then live the rest of our life
But not together

- Mika

(How sad is this fucking song?!)
All I want at this point is to move on, to get going again. It seems easy because my next year abroad is around the corner in september. 
And before that: The summer is here! It waits for me with assignments, university projects, a lot of work days, hopefully a lot of sunny wasted days at the nearby lake, festivals, holidays in Ireland and so much more!
I will be busy. I will be fine. I will have fun.
I know that. And I know he will move on, too. Seperate ways. 

One thing I am really looking forward to is a project I am doing with two really good friends. It's going to be a short film about a long distance friendship. The idea came up some time last year and has been sticking around since in the back of my head. Now is the time to do it - I ended the excuses and started telling people about it. I looked for and found a group in which I know this can work. Now we're looking for actors and start to write the script. Shit's gettin' real. ;)

How often have I told myself: "Just do it!" and then did not do it? I know I have to challenge myself
and do things I am afraid of to grow and experience new things. To be my best self. So that's what I do. 

All the nights that I doubt and waste my tears ... They're nothing I am proud of. 
My time on the internet. I mean, maybe there's some worth to it, for the language, for cultural reasons, for my ability to use and be native to social media. But in the end, it's nothing that I can show to my friends, my family, new people I meet. I want to have things that I created. "Look, what I've made, Mom!" 
Want these things to be meaningful in a way, worthwhile.

  
I look at my life and I look at all the beautiful things I've already did, relationships I built, what I wrote, what I filmed, what I thought was worth keeping and what ended up on some hard drive in the basement at my parents' house. I'm privileged as hell. I basically can do what I want and go wherever. 

I'm 21. I'm not obliged to make anything "work". I don't owe anyone. I am alone again. I guess that's alright. Now it may feel like I'll never be able to love again. But that is made-up bullshit, Lotta. You know that. Just let things happen. Just do you! Deep down I know that. I've been here before. 
I have got me, and overall I'm pretty happy with what I got.  

There are people who care about me - and people I care about. I don't let myself or them down because of money or a festival that was cancelled because of some realldy shitty bad weather (yeaaah) or a even shittier "Let's stay friends" break-up. 
I know it will also to take some nights to process all the shit that happened lately. I need to leave some room for questions, anger and grief. That's okay. But my life isn't over.

Keep your head up!
I am here trying to do the same.





 

Hesitant Curiosity

On: Travelling beyond your routine and things you should hold on to

Two years ago, in April, I wrote a Blogpost on perspectives and how to gain new ones.

As I explore the streets of San Francisco these days guided by my best friend, we swap our roles. 

He shows me his San Francisco as I showed him my Paris.

He's basically shouting: "Look at this mural!" (In fact he is not - This is staged as fuck)

I see a new city, The City, how they call it here and I'm stunned. By the beauty of things that are just daily life to others, by the unexpected and the „other“ they don't see anymore. Palm trees and steep streets, the fog rolling in from the ocean. The endless geometric field of blocks - with their flaws and impossibilities. 

I mean you couldn't  get used to palm trees in front of your house, could you?

And because I stay here three weeks, it begins to feel normal. Daily. Expected.

But still I am a stranger to this world and I love and hate it. I pretend to be a student of SF State, try to blend in into the mass of people in the street, on Campus. I pretend to belong here.

SF State Campus

But yet my curious eyes reveal me. 
My look that wanders relentlessly across facades and trees. 

You can notice that I still explore. I still see things that are new to me.

Why do we stop exploring at some point?
 
We like and hate habits. We don't have to be excited and nervous to ride the bus and maybe get off at a wrong station anymore. We're not afraid to lose ourselves in an urban jungle because we know the map. We walk the ways that we've already walked. We close our eyes to the unknown, the strange.

We call ourselves open-minded, but we're not.

We shouldn't. We should be what we call us. We should never stop exploring.

I saw a woman on Muni earlier. When Maxi and I talked, she listened to us, heard that we're German. Asked us about it. Talked to us. I want to be like her when I grow up. I want to be an attentive person, open to the world, to people that seem very different to me. Listen to them.

I don't mean that we should have to give up every routine we have. Routines are good. 
The safety of knowing there will be someone home when you return. The number you know by heart since forever to call your mom. That one friend you can always come to. The familiar way to your favourite café.

And new things aren't automatically good. Like bubble tea in 2009. Or these stupid hair bands that look like vintage telephone cables (Unpopular opinion: I hate them).

And things that are old aren't automatically bad. (Some are, though, like not accepting gay marriage or women's rights) 
Family is the oldest thing ever but still something really important and meaningful in most people's lives. Drawing is old. Writing. But still we do it. Maybe the forms change. The mode changes, trends appear, values and ways people think change. But we still feel the urge to express ourselves, to create, to communicate, to show who we are and what we believe.

"Open up your eyes and see like me! Open up your plans and - damn, you're free!" - Jason Mraz (preferably played with an ukulele)

Change can be good. But remember there's always something you already have when you arrive in a new place. (Nerd Alert: In constructivist political theory this is called your "cognitive prior")

Make sure these things are good. And make sure to be curious. 
Open up for new experiences. Some of them might be stunning, others disgusting, shocking, breath-taking. Some might turn out more normal to you than you'd have expected.

Don't close your eyes to new experiences! (Don't be like me)

 

The Hat is gone

Do you know this feeling? 

There is something material, a thing - but you get attached to it. In a special way. In a way that you really remark and appreciate this thing even if you use it or see it or wear it almost every day.

I had this with a cereal bowl a few years ago. We bought it in France in a small sweet pottery store at the beach promenade. It was all colourful and had a glossy surface that you'd like to touch. 
When I accidently broke it several years later, I really felt like a part of me broke, too.
And you could argue that's just childish or you could see me as a capitalist and ruthless person that clings to material things more than people. 

But for me it was more than that. It showed an extraordinary important truth about myself and about humans in general: Failure. My own powerlessness concerning my own mistakes. 
Realizing that some steps can't be took back. Some decisions, or even non-decisions - just slippery hands or a wrong word can lead to a very bad thing and you can't do nothing about it. I can turn it in my head round and round: I could have... I should have... If there only had been... If I only knew... I would have...

Still in the end, I'm back at ground zero, realizing that there is no reverse button for this, that I can't just easily pick up the pieces and repair the bowl.

Heb die Scherben von gestern auf - und merk: Sie gehn' nicht mehr zusamm' - Max Herre

This counts for a relationship as well as for a cereal bowl. It matches my feeling after I dropped a pot of boiling soup on my bare feet. It cruelly reminds me of the day someone died and I could have prevented it. If I just had said: "Let's go home!" an hour earlier. 
Someone would still be alive that is not today. This was 4 years ago, but sometimes I still feel the same damn feeling. I feel

powerless.

I feel goddamn human. Tiny in a fucking big universe. Afraid of getting too afraid to do anything if anything can lead to anything. If anything means that someone dies.
If anything means that you lose someone forever. 
Or if anything only means that you break your favorite dish.

A while ago a had a hard time - a confusing, sad, depressing time (Booooys problems, obvi) and I came up with a good metaphor (because I do extremly well in coming up with good metaphors). 
I pictured someone that I left behind standing inside a house with an open door. A door that I didn't slam, a door that I left open when I pissed off into nirvana. 
There he is and there is the open door. He is someone that has still feelings for me even when I hurt him big time. If I'd turn around and come back, he'd welcome me, I could still go through the open door.
But I think there is a limited time span for the door opening hours. Once closed, it will probably never open up for you. And when time passes, maybe someone else will come in and close it. It won't be open forever. So I ran back when I knew I still was able to. I calmly and steadily walked away from this door believing that I did what was best for me. 

And then I realized where I was heading... No, I didn't know where exactly I was going but I suddenly understood that this someone I left behind in the house wasn't going to follow me and join me. 
So I turned and I fucking ran. I sprinted and I made it before the door closed. 







But the words that were already said, the things I had done before I left couldn't be erased. The broken fragments of the bowl still lay there on the floor. I had shattered it. And now I could barely fix it. 
I am so sorry for this. And for the ones who had to suffer so that I could find my egoistic way through this jungle of feelings, expectations, confessions, non-articulated thoughts and walls. I'm sorry.
 

What this was all about - or at least what was on my mind when I started this entry, was the fact that I lost my hat. I was drunk. I rode my bike (you really shouldn't do this, kids!). I had a small accident and fell (see?!). And the hat was gone. 

Now, I look at pictures before last year and realize that I already was a whole person before I wore the hat. But somehow it felt safe to wear it. Like a masquerade - like who I wanted to be. Red lipstick, black hat, blurry nights. It was more than appearance, it added up to my identity. Now I feel naked sometimes, even when fully dressed. 
I desperately try to compensate my feeling of loss by wearing a lot of beanies. Yes, I'm aware that I'm writing silly shit down now... But there's a true core to everything we say. Wearing a hat changed me. Or I changed so I started wearing a hat...? Whatever way round, I lost it. And I can't turn time back to avoid losing it. Screw me, right? But...


The hat is gone. Why don't you live with it?

 

How to be a better human

Or: No meat for a week

Die Welt ist schlecht, aber mein Leben nicht. Deshalb akzeptiere ich das Lächeln in meinem Gesicht.  Edgar Wasser

It’s not that easy. Yes, the world is bad. We all know it. In fact, we’ve known it all along. 

Documentaries such as FOOD Inc. informed us about… well, food. They told us about the ways of food production in a capitalistic unfair world (fun fact: The world we live in!).

A world that neither cares about quality, nor about animals or workers in the industry. Others showed us that global warmingis going to kill us and that we have a global footprint. With every scandal, with every investigative article or film, we learn more cruel facts about the world. The politicians don’t trust each other and surveil their friends and neighbors (and your grandma, too?).   

You, as the ordinary human, as the ordinary citizen, get the impression that our world sucks.

Is this cheese bad, too?

It doesn’t get better, only worse. The world seems to become an even shittier place. There are “bad people” everywhere ruining it in a thousand different ways. And there are we, supporting them. We are guilty. For a system we’ve been born into. For a system that hides its downsides in every possible way. The “Made in China” tag in my shirt doesn’t tell me the working and living conditions of that poor Chinese 12-year-old who produced it. The tag doesn’t inform me how toxic the bleaching process was or how much of this poison is still in the shirt, it doesn’t let me know how many liters of drinking water were polluted during the production. It just tells me: This shirt was made in China.

I hate to admit it. We are guilty. The accusations are true. 

Es ist nicht deine Schuld, dass die Welt ist, wie sie ist. Es wär‘ nur deine Schuld, wenn sie so bleibt.

Die Ärzte

We are here, learning about all this information… and still not changing anything. We travel with airplanes, buses and cars – because it’s so easy. We still eat the meat and the eggs produced in factory farming. We still buy at H&M. We want the big companies to change for us, we don’t want the challenge to change ourselves. We still use whatsapp, we still buy new smartphones every two years. I hate that we do. But we do.

Why? Pure convenience. 

But how can we stop? How can I stop doing what I hate? 

A Guide:

1. Don’t become numbed by the news. 

Personally, I struggle with the overload of badness in this world. All the things I hear about (e.g. about human trafficking in Europe & the US – recently in a TED talk) evoke strong emotions in me: Anger, fear, sadness or disappointment. But instead of doing something, I just want the bad feeling to go away and put on a new episode of my favorite series on Netflix. All this horrible information makes me jaded. And ignorant. And little. I tell myself that I can’t change anything. This is wrong. You need to see that this is wrong.

2. Money

Being good is expensive. You can’t buy meat by cows that had a good life, ate good natural food without antibiotics and pay supermarket prices. It’s impossible. Or Bio-products. They are expensive. They have to be. Because quality means costs. 

Warning: This doesn’t mean that a pricy product is automatically a good product.

I bet you can afford tomatoes.

(For example expensive jeans that are produced under the same shitty conditions like PRIMARK jeans) What I want to say: There’s a reason for FairTrade and Bio-products to have a certain price. You can look up the standards of labels online. A product of good quality is distinguished by the transparency of the process!

Not everyone is able to live healthy and “good”. But I bet you are. I bet you can spare a dollar or a Euro here and there. HEY, WAKE UP! IT’S YOUR BODY. IT’S YOUR LIFE, THE FOOD YOU EAT, THE PRODUCTS YOU CONSUME. IT’S YOUR WORLD. 

 

3. Start anywhere & try it out

You see something that sucks. You see that you support it. You stop doing it.

It’s not that easy, I’m aware. But just start with something now. Change your electricity provider and use eco power.  Tipp: Changes you have to put effort into once are easy – Even for reeeeaally comfort-loving people

But on the other hand, when you have little decisions to make in your daily life, make them actively and consciously FOR a better world. Like: Today I take my bike instead of the bus.

START ANYWHERE. You read: “Company X has bad working conditions. Their workers are underpaid, work too many hours and have to live in sheds.” – You don’t buy their products. It’s that easy.

For me: After a conversation with a friend (who lives vegan) I thought again about becoming a vegetarian. It’s not just that Freiburg as a green & alternative city is the perfect seeming environment to do it. It’s that I’ve known the production process and problems of the meat industry for like 4 years now. And what did I change? I’ve stopped eating at McDonald’s – Ok, 1 point for me. But, except for that? Not much. I can say about me that I don’t like lots of meat sorts. But for someone who doesn’t love meat eternally, I still eat a lot of it.

I want to reduce my consumption. And when I eat meat, I want to be sure about its quality (see 2).

Therefore I will start small: No meat for a week. After that, I’ll see how I get by. If I “need” it or if I feel a big loss… I’m not making assumptions, I’m not going further. I’m just trying it out. 

I'm glad I can still eat waffles

4. Focus

You have to accept that you are just one person. A person that counts, yes, that is true. But also just a human who can’t be perfect in everything – and still have a life, a job, a family, and other stuff.

So, I tell you: It’s true that you can’t be good in every way. But can be good in some ways. So choose something that you care about. And commit yourself to it. Engage in changing things you can change and things that are important to you.

If you love animals – help out in the animal shelter or become a vegetarian. If you care about equal rights for men and women, print feminist stickers and spread them on campus.

Focus on something!

The vlogbrothers established the “foundation to decrease world suck”.  Any member can suggest ideas how to do it (in any way possible) and find (financial) support by the foundation. If you want to help from the comfort of your home. Donate!

- If you want to donate to an organization, make sure they have enough transparency(!) so that you can be clear about how your money is used for a good cause. 

 

     5. Stay informed.

Last of all: Don’t let yourself fall back into the comfortable sofa! Or if you do: Make sure you have your veggie snacks with you and watch the news.

We already think: The world sucks. The world is bad. – And that’s true

But: There are still shitty things that happen and that nobody knows about. There’s this mountain of problems and shitty things we have to get rid of – and still it’s becoming bigger.

What not to do: Nothing. That’s what too many people did who came before us.  I am angry at them. And so will our children and  grand-grand-children and if you don’t want children your nephews or any other people that will  live in this world when you are gone hate us.

And if you don’t care about this then maybe you are one of the “bad people” and you are yourself leading one of the capitalist and unfair companies that I was talking about.

Here’s to you: You can still change. You have got the money and the means. You just have to use them.

Sorry about the random food pictures from my recent Paris trip - Here are potatoes!

Plato, give me some space!

On: The projects in my bag (begging for attention), how my mind works & a little peace and quiet

Please, I need some rest.
Just one minute in this nervous rush that I call "daily routine" these days. I did it yesterday. Went for a walk with my diary. Inhaling the silence. Some damn peace & quiet.
Okay not real silence. 

Crickets in the knee-high grass, music from a festival not far away, random lonely people strolling by talking softly to their dogs... or their wives.
I wasn't searching for the quietest place. The goal was to just be freed from my thoughts and troubles and plans and projects for a rare moment.

Take a pause sometimes.
Really. This Be Dottie's videos help me doing so at times. One of the recent ones kind of got stuck in my head. I feel like she gets what's happening inside of my mind. 

My very own "head room" has been unorganized these days. Chaotic. 

Since July started, I've been trying the hardest not to become a hot mess. Please don't even ask about the real bedroom I actually live in... The last two weeks, I rarely cooked meals at home. 

• First excuse: Summer. I just couldn't eat warm meals. (#tbh)
• Second excuse: Work. I spent many days folding T-shirts (YES! I got a job! San Francisco here I come!) and printing them. That can be cooler than it sounds - creative people with cool ideas. But also suckier - tees for bachelor parties (-.-). 

> Note to Myself: Don't do a bachelorette-party. Just don't. 

The point is, I was busy doing stuff in the city centre (T-Shirts & University)all the time, so I didn't really got to being home at daytime at all. Lunch break either meant a sandwich or running to the cafeteria. So many sandwiches... It's not only annoying, it's expensive, too.

Our crossmedia project started. We will do journalistic research (& jokes, I guess) on "Yuccies". Since June, the internet is full of them. So that's a thing. 

Writing an article, a radio broadcast and recording it. Planning and filming a TV feature. This includes: Finding interview partners, drawing a storyboard, writing a script, researching information, taking pictures, cutting the scenes, montage... Okay, I don't want to complain. It's work, but it's fun.

Not a very new meme, but (unfortunately) still relevant.

The not so fun part: Exams are coming (Spanish tomorrow - No me gusta). But Spanish looks like a joke, compared to my Politics exam. Learning all the political philosophers and theorists is as much fun as it sounds! From Plato, over Marx to Rawls - Gotta know them all!(what up, Pokémon reference?!)

What I like about learning this stuff, is that, even though most of the people we talked about in the lecture ("Einführung in die Entwicklungslinien und Geschichte politischer Theorie" = lovely) are male (FEMINISM- tbh) and DEAD, their topics are still relevant!

They wrote about how to build a functioning state (and believe me, EVERYONE had his own REAL, PERFECT, DIFFERENT idea 'bout it...*rolls eyes while studying*), what people are like and how they behave in society. They talked about love and "Glückseligkeit". They looked for the essences in human beings (okay, some neglected that there are any) and finally, some covered even the meaning of life.

For me this shows that there are indeed such things as "universal ideas" (Plato would pat me on the shoulder, I guess); ideas that last longer than a lifetime or an era. 

Ideas that always concern humans. In all times.

That's why we can still profit from all the endless hours of meditation and reflection these old wise men surely have put in their works. (And now you can even watch some of them easily explained on youtube, thanks to TheSchoolOfLife)

Yeah, okay, it's kind of okay I guess. But it's a lot to learn by heart.

What else? Me and my drama group want to have our play on stage soon. I hope we find a stage, because our planning lacked a bit and we started our search very late. Hints are always welcome!

Argh, and that Essay I haven't started yet...  that's due to the 24th of July. And all this time, the media center (where we cut and lend camera equipment) is closed. Also the University Library, because they move places this exact month. Yep, I'll stop whining and start writing instead, soon.

Did I mention I went to a festival again? I didn't? Oopsy daisies!

I know, this post (especially, after such a long period of not uploading ANYTHING) is a bit like that annoying conversation with this oh sooo busy friend of yours. 

"I've got so much work and studying to do - I barely find time for myself, not to mention for doing anything with my friends" - that person is complaining over and over.

While you are here asking yourself silently: Why did they come to meet me anyways? - If they're too busy and won't even talk about anything else than the stuff they got to do at the moment... blablabla

So I try to stop being that friend! 

Hey, even in my studies (that may sound like a "fairytale-dream-kind-of-media-you-don't-have-to-do-anything"-thing to people) you sometimes have tense periods of studying and working! Cool?

And yeah, this kind of stress makes me messy, because I prefer not walking around with a pocket calendar all the time - checking the dates like a freaking business woman - And I prefer having time for grocery shopping and cooking.

Maybe even cleaning.

I took time to clean my room this week. Because, like Dottie says, sometimes you have to clean your bedroom to clean your head room. 

(Yes, this was a rhyme and a wisdom - I'm an aspiring rapper.)

Unlike my boyfriend (subtle relationship criticism, right here!), I am willing to always slide in some hours to spend time with him or my friends. Good thing, I'm doing my crossmedia project with Lena, a friend from my studies. Work time that equals time with a good friend is half as bad ;) ! By the way, check out her blog, she's an awesome photographer and hers is much cooler than mine.

Speaking of blogs... I don't know if you know but if you know me better, you know for sure... that I write in German for another blog these days, a blog from our field of study that we brought to new life a month ago.

You can catch a glimpse of my projects (like the short film we produced, remember?) there, and you can read (only if you are fluent in german, of course) blog entries - surprise: By me and other people from my studies.

Like recently I was ranting about why everyone wears BIRKENSTOCKs or in another entry about my hometown.

There comfy, yes. But what else?

This long entry has to come to an end, now. (Why? Cuz I decided to, that's why)

I hope that I was able to give you insight into some aspects of my life that are keeping me on the run this hot July of 2015. Why political philosophers and spanish speaking latino lovers follow me in my dreams (I'm not joking here! HELP!), what is going to happen next and why I really anticipate summer break... Like any other student on the campus, I guess.

... and why you sometimes have to take a festival break! Just to not go mad.