Crush vs. Love

On: being a tinderslut, different kinds of crushes and true love

Crush = a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremly special 
(source: urban dictionary)

Crushing on someone feels like walking calmly and ordinary down the road... and suddenly stumbling. That moment when your heart takes a short break, only to stop beating again two seconds after in an uncontrolled manner ("like a jungle drum", as Emilia Torrini would put it). 

And this procedure repeats itself over and over again, each time you see that special person. Why am I even trying to explain it? I'm sure, you have experienced this before. Who has not? I mean, Ask Carly Rae Japsen! Ask James Blunt, or come on: ask Taylor Swift! It's not random that so many people wrote songs about that feeling. 

Naah, I'm not crushing on someone currently...
Who am I kidding? I'm crushing on literally EVERYONE. I'm crushing on someone right now. AT THE F*CKING MOMENT. My cute "neighbour", the guy from the house on the other side of the court whose window is face to face with mine... But there are differences.

I am, like Tyler Oakley, crushing on literally any guy on the street. But maybe that's not real crushing, let's call this one "one-sec-crush" because you forget them after the subway wagon he was in, passed or after you left the park where you saw him sitting on a bench. 

Harder to forget are "Just tonight"s. Not to confuse with meaningless "One Night Stands", these crushes happen at one single evening. It can be the case that you actually meet someone and fall in love with him at first sight (or crush on him at first sight) or that you just (like me) stare at him the whole night. 

And NOTHING HAPPENS AT ALL. 

You should try it Tyler-Oakley-Style. 

The thing is, when you think about it, we're talking about "wasted opportunities" again here. It's the "what could have happened if...". Rather it should be the "at least I tried"... I know it sounds like #foreveralone and #storyofmylife if you put yourself together and talk to that guy or try to dance with him...and then he just rebuffs you. HEY! Pick yourself up from the floor! Or crawl out of the hole you've fallen into. I lend you a hand. Because... been there. Done that. 

But I promise you, it feels a lot better than imagining all the things that didn't happen because you didn't try. Not because he rejected you. Understand? (I know it's kind of a messy motivation, but It works for me)

"Tinder is like a poké-dex for people"
 - my cousin

Hey, and there are other ways to meet crush on people. More "superficial-social media-internet-forever-alone" ways. Like the app "tinder". It's kind of sad that I had the idea of joining tinder after I watched this video by CollegeHumour. But I found it funny. And I did. As "explained" in the video, swiping left means rejecting someone - not finding someone attractive. Swiping right or clicking the green heart button means that you're into that person or find him/her attractive. 

If you haven't already used it, imagine it like a deck of cards. With some pictures, the name and a short self-description on it. Like I said. It's like "app-i-fied" superficiality. Aaaand it's addictive. 

(#tinderslut. Yes, I'm into hashtags right now. Do you know how it feels when irony kind of leads into real use of some words/phrases? Happened to me with YOLO or forever alone. Now with hashtags. I think you could ascribe it to my exorbitant use of twitter these days. Join the fun! Be my 12th follower. )

Butterfly-belly. Heartbeat louder than ever. A kiss.

(photo by Brassai - current exposition at Hôtel de Ville, Paris)

The best thing about crushes is this butterfly-feeling you get. This "OMG he texted!!"-feeling, this "look at his profile pic, his smile is gorgeous!", this "I don't want to be with anyone else but you"-feeling. But crushes (even though there are many different types) are different from love. Real love. Dat deep shit. Because crushes are, sorry cute guys around, just superficial.

If you love someone, it is based not only on physical attraction, it's based on trust and acceptance. You accept the quirks and the perks of the person you're with and the relationship you're in. You accept that it can't be rainbows and unicorns and holding hands all the time. But you still love each other and you know that this person is there for you, needs you, will hold you and kiss you. Even when you have a bad breath and didn't wash your hair this morning.

I had true love once. And I want to have it again. I know, as I experience now, I CAN be happy without "a significant other" by my side. But I tasted love, and I want it again. 

I don't wanna whine about how great romantic relationships are and how I'm missing my ex-boyfriend. I'm not. I appreciate the time we had together and I loved him. But I don't love him anymore. I'm over it. I just want to say that if you are with someone and you sometimes miss the "crush"-feeling, don't give up the love for it (special advice to one of my friends, yes I'm talking to you, girl!).

So that's what you get when you google "subway crush". Not disappointed
(There's even a song about it-  I'm freaking out!)

Because a crush is an intense, but in most of the cases, short affair. Sometimes you feel like you won't EVER recover. But you will. To recover from love is harder. Crushes are not good for nothing. They're fun. That's why tinder is fun. That's why hooking up in a club is fun. And sometimes they can lead to love. :) What I find really cute.

I don't (in contrast to my almost Canadian friend) believe in "The One True Love of Life". I believe that there are many possible true loves just waiting around the corner for me... for you, for everyone. I just gotta catch 'em all (Pokémon reference again!) or at least one... You can make it work if you want to.

That's the real difference. To have and keep love is a lot of work. 

A crush is like a free pizza. It's delicious, it's tasty, it feels good (when you're hungry) and noone would say no to it, because you don't have to do anything for it.

A relationship is more like cooking everyday for yourself. It's your choice if you make that boring convenience food again or cook a 5-course-meal ;). *wisdom words by Lotta*

Maybe you could also go to KFC, but I think that would stretch the metaphor too far. 

I couldn't find an appropriate ending for this post, so I put a nice pic here.

I went to a Boy & Bear concert and crushed on the guitar guy.
I mean it's always the guitar guy for me.

The Third toothbrush

Or: How I have only 4 and a half months left in Paris

Spring starts and I'm in love with Paris. Now that I reached the last quarter of my year abroad, I feel the ineffable urge to enjoy every moment here. And not freaking out about how annoying work can be. Whenever people joke about it or say "OMG these kids are so cute! It's like all-day fun!" or "you "work" with children, don't you?" I'm like: "Yes, and I'm gonna punch you in the face if you don't appreciate that it actually IS work that I'm doing. 

Maybe they should introduce work experience in all different fields of jobs in school just for children/young people/people in general to see what work is like. Maybe they find their dream jobs on the way. But just to see: Hey, garbage collectors have a really tough job, too. Or social workers. Or cashiers. Bearing f*cking impolite assholes all day who complain about 2 cents change that's missing or don't even wish you a nice day. 

As you may notice, this is not going to be a post in which I cover a particular topic, it's more like a "thought storage" (I stole that word-idea) of mine, where I leave the things that just come to my mind in this very moment, at 11 pm in Paris, in my bed. 

Like that I didn't read the last entry of my friend's blog because I was to busy satisfying my youtube addiction tonight (and that I have to do it later because I hate myself for the fact that I forgot about it and I'm filled with tension to read his philosophical outpour - hey, that sounded poetic). À propos "poetic", I love the idea of putting poésie (= poetry) in the Parisian metro. It makes me smile everytime when I see a new poem. :) And sometimes they make me think. Like the quote:

Le poète est le fou le plus proche de la vérité - Claude Nougaro

 (= The poet is the fool who is the closest to the truth). Just think about it. 

Sometimes I miss the old days. I miss how easy my childhood was. Or how it seems to me now. Because in reality, I knew I had a lot of worries. Because I'm a worrier. I'm hoping to get rid of that (as you could read in the last few posts). My memories are like strings that all connect and mess up in a big clutter, a ball of wool that losts its form. Endless games we tried out, bike rides to the meadows where we used to have great picnics, where we played "jacks and UNO cards" (Fergie quote) and sung lyrics of our favorite songs, being at my grandma's house, memories of having the greatest birthday parties in the world (because my family is huuuge), how we crawled in the garret and made us a home there with apple juice and magazines. I remember holidays, huge sand castles with moats for the waves to bathe the castle with beautiful shell decorations on it. I think of the nights in my bed when I couldn't get to sleep because I had to cry about the fact that my mum tossed our old living room cupboard (that I loved) in the trash and about how everything in life has to change and that change is inevitable and cruel, but neccessary. And the fact that everybody is going to die anyway, my family and me included. And the fact that I wasn't able to understand the universe. 

Oh yeah, change. I'm not done with that theme, not yet, I think. Even though I know, we need change in our lives, I'm still basking here in nostalgy and melancholy about the "good old times". I don't want to just leave it behind like that annoying facebook girl on the internet would do with a quote nobody remembers the person who said it first, like: "remember the past, live in the now, think about the future". So maybe I will whine about it in a upcoming blog post. 

I have this urge to write. To write things down. To get them out of my head on paper (the pages of my diary - yes, I'm old-fashioned) and my in Internet diary, this special blogger-site you're at. Some people say words mean nothing. Others say they mean everything. I can't decide. I am just able to say that I can't live without writing. Whenever I stop - and there were many times, I stopped, believe me, I start over new again. At any time, sooner or later. 

I am afraid, that there will never be any "outcome" of my writing. But what if I don't need one? What if I'm just satisfied with the actuality (and the story of my life) that only three people actually read my blog? What if it just means the world to me that you, and just you, read these words? That I reached you - fuck the others. And if you're not existant, because I have zero readers then you equals my future-me. But: who cares?

Hey future-Lotta, what's up? I wonder how ashamed you will be while reading this, maybe laughing about how pathetic you were, back then in your teen years, pouring your inner feelings out to the world like this... 

For those who still brood over the headline of this post, for those who only read this long just to understand it: When march started, I threw away my old blue toothbrush to use a new, green one. (I have already mentioned that I'm old-fashioned: No, I don't own an electric toothbrush) Now you start to think: WTF is she now totally freaking out? Yes, I am. I found a symbolic meaning in my toothbrushes. At the beginning of the year, in September, I bought a pack of 4 (orange, blue, green, purple) because I'm Swabian and it was cheaper this way. Now I figured out that it was very practical, too, because I read somwhere you should change your toothbrush every 3 months. For those who are good at math it's clear, that now, that I reached the third toothbrush, my year in Paris is almost over.

And that's why. Now you can ease yourself and go to sleep. And I can, too (finally). I hope you forgive me all the typos I may have made in my "writing flow" and that I'm too lazy to correct now, because it's late and (to make a nice circle around this post) I have to work tomorrow.

I see you around and (like Tyler Oakley likes to put it:) have a good life! :)