What's wrong with the World

On: Is human nature a thing and how did we end up in this mess?

We are living in a Black Mirror episode.

— Calvin (@calvinstowell) 9. November 2016

When I came home today, after roughly three months of not seeing my family, I had a talk with my mum over coffee and home-made christmas biscuits. All of this screams: "Idyll! Harmony! Home!" but our conversation not consisted of any of these. 
We talked about all the shit that went down in 2016 and how it is, with high probability, going to be even worse next year. How Europe and "the West" in general and Africa, Africa in particular, and every other place in the world is kind of fucked in a way. 

Europe is lost.

My mum says we didn't learn anything from history. And I am so afraid that she might be right. I turn into that kind of person I don't want to be, I have been fighting all along not to become: A scared person. A weak one. A hopeless one. Because out of all, these are the worst things we can have, the worst of the worst emotions to have about the state of the world today. 

Like I stated before on this blog, I think that this world presents itself as bad oftenly, especially on the news. Every few hours, days, weeks, months - a new catastrophe happens, a crisis, an attack, a drone strike, a war. Maybe many people die. 
Or only one person dies. 
Forgotten. Lost. 
But as we all know from our personal lives, the death of one person can mean the world to us. And nobody's death "doesn't matter". Just tonight, as I write these lines, 12 people were killed in my home country, in Berlin. It's not clear yet: Was it a rampage, an accident - a terrorist attack? 

What's gonna be left of the world, when you're not in it? - Bastille, "good grief"

It does not really matter. All I see is the fear that spreads, rumours, hatred that poisons every potential discussion and makes it impossible. All I see are wasted lives. Lives of people that still could have done good in the world. Or just enjoyed their existence. And everyday in conflicts on the African continent, in violent acts against one another, humans kill each other. Erase each others lives. As if there was no worth to them, no meaning. 

Kindergarten politics 

Is there? This may be a question to answer in another entry, but what I like to talk about today is: How and why does this all happen? Mum and I went back to the kindergarten. As she is a trained kindergarten teacher who has worked in the field for about 30 years now, and I have a good year of experience myself (not comparable, I'll give you that, mum), we have some examples to draw from. I had this crazy idea a little while back, that all international politics come down to kindergarten fights. Is it about who gets the good toy or about "I was here before, this is my sandbox!" or about "HE STARTED HITTING ME FOR NO REASON!", it's so ironic and funny that we can break down bigger conflicts like that. 

I'm studying politics, so obviously, I know that it's not that easy. But looking at children does help to understand adults better. Why do they act like they act? 
A lot of responsibility lies in parenting. Some social scientists even argue that socialisation is the one and only source and reason for the actions, opinions and character of a person. I would not go that far, but I think it is a key factor in how a human turns out to be. Education, not only from the parents plays a big role, as well. 

Another one is experience and how you reflect on it. If 4-year-old Billy hits you for no reason with a building block repeatedly, you are more likely to believe that people are evil for no reason or use violence for fun. If you meet your best friend for life in kindergarten, who always supports you when you struggle, you're more likely to believe in real friendship and long-lasting human cooperation and relationships. 

WTF is human nature?!

So what do you think: What is human nature? Good? Evil? Nothing at all? And how do you "become" evil? 
An interesting idea is the one stated above in a fairly old vlogbrothers youtube video: Can you keep evil people from becoming evil by raising them right? Where does "Evil" come from? That's also a question on which Hannah Arendt had insightful and inspiring thoughts . But this entry is neither here to discuss the concept of "Evil" in general, nor for unfolding complicated psychological or political processes. I think it's here to make a statement against the hatred and the fear that are so blooming and growing out there in our world, that I'm afraid we're caught in a garden, a jungle of fear already. It's hard to see through it, to see the world how it is. 
As constructivism states, maybe there is no such thing as "the real world" because there is no reality, no objectivity at all. There are only billions of constructions of reality that each and everyone of us has built or adopted, varied or kept the same since kindergarten.

are we living in a jungle of fear? pc: pixabay

And now we're getting closer to the point I wanted to make. The pieces that are missing in our jigsaw of the human nature are, in my mere opinion, personality and free will. With personality (I don't know if I used the right term, sorry, psychologists) I mean the thing that is you, maybe the voice inside your head, something that you'd call a "soul" or a "consciousness", the flaws and peculiarities that you have, your feelings and your thoughts. I think that personality, although it is highly influenced by socialisation, experience and many other factors, is something that is distinct to every human, that everyone has their own. Even if the little human is only 3 years old, like my mum strongly argues in favor of, he or she can have an agenda, plan their behavior, they can even have malicious intentions. 

Here we go - the free will. Regarding it scientists have different outlooks, too, some reject the idea completely. They say we are only victims to the influences of our environment. Our actions only reflect what we learned and know to be true. They have a point, but still, what meaning can life actually have without a free human will? We would just be leaves floating in the uncontrollable stream of a big river or sea, without a plan, without a destiny, without a choice, without any cause.*

So the thing is, we can not simplify and generalize people, like we always tend to do. 


If we talk about refugees for example, we have to keep in mind, that these are so many different complex humans. Every one of them has feelings, experiences, traumas, goals, fears and an agenda. Just like when you look at a group of children in kindergarten. 25 different humans. Some like to fit into the community, do as the teacher says and sit peacefully at a miniature desk drawing flowers. Some just like to be alone. Others like to disturb the group, because they have problems at home and need to project these onto others. Or just because some humans are little pricks (Excuse my language, but you know...) Sometimes it needs to be said. For whatever reason, some people come to decide that they want to harm others. That's why they throw a building block - or fire a rifle. And here, too, I like to point out the complexity of it all again. There are no simple classifications. There are so many reasons for becoming a "criminal" or a person that does no good. 

Complexity is the blessing and the curse of human nature. 

Basically, we are all so stuck in our perspective and world views, that we are not able to emphasize with others who have a really different one. A friend of mine also worried about that this is what makes discussions with the opposite political side so difficult: You can not even sit at one table because your perceptions and constructions of reality are too different. This is why everything in our world is so fucked. The people who are "evil" (and I mean evil in my own constructed unclear version of reality) raise their children like-minded. For example abusive or addicted parents tend to pass this behavior on to their kids. This is horrible.  
This is so fucked. 

And furthermore, we still bear the burden of the past, the history on our shoulders. In Germany, Nazi-Germany and the Holocaust are still present, also you can still feel the seperation of the country back from the Cold War days. 
Globally, I can only shake my head in disbelief, about all the inequalities that European colonialism has created and how the Western world still try to establish and maintain superiority and supremacy about other cultures and states... - like we own the fucking place.

Nobody owns the fucking place, though! The world is so rich in its beauty, its diversity, its complexity, in the ways that lives can be lived; by plants, animals, humans. And some humans just look at it as property, as a means to gain profits. (Neoliberal society and their jerk parents maybe made them do it but who cares) What matters is, they destroy our planet. They harm other people, themselves, and the best of it: They leave a nice fucked up place behind for their grand-children: "They can deal with it, because we'll be no longer around."

That's what's wrong with the world. 

I would love to end this on a positive note. But it's so hard to find one. Everywhere in Europe, right-wing movements are reaching for or are already in power. Millions died in the terrible wars in Syria, Libya, Somalia (and countless more). Thousands died and suffered on their journey out of this hell. Gay people get arrested in Iraq, and spit on in Russia. Donald Trump is going to be the fucking US president. Meanwhile, there are still dictatorships in place. States where human rights are not a thing. And on top of that, the environment goes to shit. This is so fucking sad. 
And I am sitting here in my privileged white-people-middle-class-bedroom, writing these pretencious lines on my computer, living a life based on the costs of others. Torn and stuck in a web of dependencies, historical, societal, personal and economic ties, I'm almost paralyzed. A question that turns around in my head a lot these days is: How can I be good to this world? Or at least not as bad?

And there it is, my positive note: Please, do something about it. You. 
Me. We have to do it. We can. Giving up is not an option, is it? For me, it's not. "That's just how things are" is not an argument. Change is possible. 

Und auch wenn man es oft vergisst. Ein neuer Blickwinkel kann helfen, wenn einem zum Kotzen ist. Mann, eigentlich ist ganz vieles wunderbar. Und ganz vieles war ganz scheiße vor 100 Jahren. Denke ich mir so, während ich den Text schreib. Dann schalte ich den Fernseher an - und kriege wieder Brechreiz. 

-   Edgar Wasser, "Back in the days"

Look at everything good people have already accomplished. Human rights are a thing, constitutions, laws, justice systems, environmental politics and protection, renewable energies, food saving, volunteers who help refugees, vegetarian and vegan lifestyles, less cruel animal farming and slaughters, equal rights for women and people with sexualities that differ from "the norm" (at least in some places). 
There are the types of music, art, science and media that decide to try to do good things for people. Lastly, what about all the little things in a "normal" life that can make you happy?

We need to conquer the fears and counter the insecuritiy we feel. We must try to reflect on our subjective views and on the complexity of others. I know, that's a lot. Our brains are really complex, too, but it's still hard work for them. There are assholes out there. People who don't care. But I think deep down, you are not one of them. You care. 

Do something - LITERALLY ANYTHING - about it!










*Okay maybe we are, but this would be really really really depressing, so I choose not to believe in it, at least not today, I can keep that for even more sad days and also for a further entry on the meaning of life. YAY. That doesn't sound like an upcoming existential crisis at all.

Be my friend, stranger

On: New friends.

New friends. You don't know if you'll keep them. You don't know who they really are. You like them for the version of theirselves that they represent right now. More especially for the version they decide to show you.

Who were they last year? Who were they in desperate teenage years? 
Are they consistent? Are they opportunists? Are they psychopaths? Are they loyal? Are they going to stick around or are they going to vanish?

One of the dearest friends I have, wrote me once that up to this point, friends had always been variables in his life. But some just should not be. Apart from being one of the nicest things someone has ever said to me, this quote is meaningful in general, too.

It's true: We change constantly and with our personality changes, friends come and go. We move, we start a new job, we change subjects in University, we go to a different gym or try a new hobby - BAM! So many new friends! 

As new people with interesting thoughts and conversations, with great humour or the same taste in shitty 90s music come in our lives, they take up our time and space in our minds. Their problems become important, their worries, their enchantments, their love lives, their everythings. I don't know about you, but I feel like I'm always taking part in people's lives and I do it really fast. I get invested. 

For example last night, in the hallway of our neighbour's house I talked to a new friend. His love interest rejected him recently, because "her head is not in the right place" and despite all my (already existing) loyalty, I get it. Nobody is to blame - it's just this unrequited love thing that happens way too often, but does not actually when you look at propabilities. 

She is confused, she likes him as a person, she misses to be around him, she's afraid that his friends and house mates don't like her anymore (I get it). So she texts him. And instead of keeping his distance and trying to get over this shit, he comes running to her. He knows that it's shit. We know it's shit. So as a friend (even as a recent one) I felt the urge of keeping him from doing that. From hurting himself even more by not letting go of someone that doesn't like you as much as they do. While doingt that, I realized that I already cared. 

I cared so much for a person that I've barely known for a month. I couldn't stand his sadness and his disappointment and his eyes as he told me he can't help but doing it although he knows it's not good to do it.

Participation, sharing and being invested in someone's life are precious features of a friendship. Although they can weigh you down. As your friend shares a problem or a worry, a sad story with you, you can't ignore it, it affects you, makes you a witness, a confidant. Not that every worry they share with you is how to bury a body, but some things are not easy to process for you. Friendships sometimes get mistaken for therapy, people might tell you things that aren't harmless - there has to be a line.

Another problem is that some people mistake you not only for therapists or problem-solvers but also for a rubbish tip where they can dump all their shit so that they don't need to process it themselves. If you feel like you're becoming this kind of pain relief for them that is unhealthy for both of you, try to make it stop.
Some friends are just slowly pushed off screen by others, because you have only limited time and capacities to keep in touch with everyone. 

And all my friends have gone to find another place to let their hearts collide. Just promise me you'll never leave again. - Ed Sheeran

Others, like the ones that use you as a dumping place for anything, you should actively push off screen yourself. In the movie that is your life, in which you are the protagonist, there shouldn't be people treating you like that. Remember that! (getting all self-help-book-life-advice-ish over here)

Some people may say I care too much, I get too invested - but what would life and friendships be without that? If everyone only cares about themselves (we all are narcissist assholes in a way) where do we get? We already live in a world that is cruel and egoistic, where human nature is too often seen in a pessimist way: "it's a dog eat dog life". (Learned that saying from a not so good movie I saw recently). 
We don't need friendships to just mirror ourselves and confirm how good we are, to support our egos and sometimes dump or worries-

We need friendships to develop our identities, to share our thoughts, our feelings, our lives with others, making small moments and achievements and feelings meaningful.
I get the unsettling feeling of not being able to keep all the people around that I really like to have around. Not only in the obvious literal way, me being in Wales at the moment and them all over the place (Freiburg, Paris, Tessaloniki, Hamburg, Halle, Tübingen, Potsdam, Heidelberg, Erlangen, Edinburgh, Konstanz...), but also in a sense that I might lose them because other things become more important and we're slowly drifting apart, even virtually. 

What still makes me hopeful for the future is on the one hand, the endless possibilities of meeting best friends that I haven't met yet. On the other hand, what my aunt said on her 50th birthday last year when she explained how she knew all the people that were there at the party - It was like a puzzle, a mosaic of people that were once or still are important in her life, she told us about how she got to know them and how she lost and found them again.

Someone recently said to me that he does not believe in randomness, he rather believes in patterns. So if this one pattern makes me meet a person, maybe it makes me find them again when we lost each other? I put the question mark there because I don't know if this is possible. I lost friends, that's true - But by now I never managed to become friends with them again. 

Making new friends can be tough (I'm trying really hard at the moment, you know), but at the same time, like I said in the beginning, it can also be very easy. You can define yourself differently, be a different version of yourself and they'll still like you for who you are or show them to be. But I think if you're always choosing new friends over old friends because you're changing that might not be the best idea. The friends that have stuck around for a longer time, they really know who you were, where you have gone wrong, how you changed, and maybe even who you want to be later. Do not dispense of these people. You need them. As a mirror. Not a mirror that always reflects how cool you are, but a mirror to show you the real you, that is not always funny and beautiful and stunning and creative. It's sometimes mean, ugly, desperately sad, hopeless, an asshole, an arrogant prick, a stupid irrational depressive person. They see who you really are. They know you - and they decided to stay. You know them. You both committed. That is something special and the trust and work you put into this relationship pays off. You sometimes have to let your friends go, but don't let them go easily.



So what about me? I let my new friends feed me with cheese cake and try not to put their faces on the internet (too much) without their knowledge. All the pictures you saw are potential new friends. Will they stay around? God knows.

PS: The hat is back.

I know

On: How to move on

I'm on my own again. Listening to music in the middle of the night. Once I start thinking and stop to distract myself with playing stupid games, watching series, listening to podcasts, going out, drinking... once I start thinking... I feel weird. 

I've been here before. Suddenly walking my ways alone again. Sharing my life with so many people, but not having someone anymore whose door is open when I crawl out of the night club at 5 am. Whose bed is warm for me. Whose arms are always open.
It's all gone. The door is closed. For real this time. I know that we can live with it. I know I can. 
But right now it feels like something died. We buried the past and the potential future we had. This fact makes me sick. The fact that we look at each other, we see each other driving by on the street, we talk - but we are different. We feel wrong.h

This is the way that we love
Like it's forever
Then live the rest of our life
But not together

- Mika

(How sad is this fucking song?!)
All I want at this point is to move on, to get going again. It seems easy because my next year abroad is around the corner in september. 
And before that: The summer is here! It waits for me with assignments, university projects, a lot of work days, hopefully a lot of sunny wasted days at the nearby lake, festivals, holidays in Ireland and so much more!
I will be busy. I will be fine. I will have fun.
I know that. And I know he will move on, too. Seperate ways. 

One thing I am really looking forward to is a project I am doing with two really good friends. It's going to be a short film about a long distance friendship. The idea came up some time last year and has been sticking around since in the back of my head. Now is the time to do it - I ended the excuses and started telling people about it. I looked for and found a group in which I know this can work. Now we're looking for actors and start to write the script. Shit's gettin' real. ;)

How often have I told myself: "Just do it!" and then did not do it? I know I have to challenge myself
and do things I am afraid of to grow and experience new things. To be my best self. So that's what I do. 

All the nights that I doubt and waste my tears ... They're nothing I am proud of. 
My time on the internet. I mean, maybe there's some worth to it, for the language, for cultural reasons, for my ability to use and be native to social media. But in the end, it's nothing that I can show to my friends, my family, new people I meet. I want to have things that I created. "Look, what I've made, Mom!" 
Want these things to be meaningful in a way, worthwhile.

  
I look at my life and I look at all the beautiful things I've already did, relationships I built, what I wrote, what I filmed, what I thought was worth keeping and what ended up on some hard drive in the basement at my parents' house. I'm privileged as hell. I basically can do what I want and go wherever. 

I'm 21. I'm not obliged to make anything "work". I don't owe anyone. I am alone again. I guess that's alright. Now it may feel like I'll never be able to love again. But that is made-up bullshit, Lotta. You know that. Just let things happen. Just do you! Deep down I know that. I've been here before. 
I have got me, and overall I'm pretty happy with what I got.  

There are people who care about me - and people I care about. I don't let myself or them down because of money or a festival that was cancelled because of some realldy shitty bad weather (yeaaah) or a even shittier "Let's stay friends" break-up. 
I know it will also to take some nights to process all the shit that happened lately. I need to leave some room for questions, anger and grief. That's okay. But my life isn't over.

Keep your head up!
I am here trying to do the same.





 

Hesitant Curiosity

On: Travelling beyond your routine and things you should hold on to

Two years ago, in April, I wrote a Blogpost on perspectives and how to gain new ones.

As I explore the streets of San Francisco these days guided by my best friend, we swap our roles. 

He shows me his San Francisco as I showed him my Paris.

He's basically shouting: "Look at this mural!" (In fact he is not - This is staged as fuck)

I see a new city, The City, how they call it here and I'm stunned. By the beauty of things that are just daily life to others, by the unexpected and the „other“ they don't see anymore. Palm trees and steep streets, the fog rolling in from the ocean. The endless geometric field of blocks - with their flaws and impossibilities. 

I mean you couldn't  get used to palm trees in front of your house, could you?

And because I stay here three weeks, it begins to feel normal. Daily. Expected.

But still I am a stranger to this world and I love and hate it. I pretend to be a student of SF State, try to blend in into the mass of people in the street, on Campus. I pretend to belong here.

SF State Campus

But yet my curious eyes reveal me. 
My look that wanders relentlessly across facades and trees. 

You can notice that I still explore. I still see things that are new to me.

Why do we stop exploring at some point?
 
We like and hate habits. We don't have to be excited and nervous to ride the bus and maybe get off at a wrong station anymore. We're not afraid to lose ourselves in an urban jungle because we know the map. We walk the ways that we've already walked. We close our eyes to the unknown, the strange.

We call ourselves open-minded, but we're not.

We shouldn't. We should be what we call us. We should never stop exploring.

I saw a woman on Muni earlier. When Maxi and I talked, she listened to us, heard that we're German. Asked us about it. Talked to us. I want to be like her when I grow up. I want to be an attentive person, open to the world, to people that seem very different to me. Listen to them.

I don't mean that we should have to give up every routine we have. Routines are good. 
The safety of knowing there will be someone home when you return. The number you know by heart since forever to call your mom. That one friend you can always come to. The familiar way to your favourite café.

And new things aren't automatically good. Like bubble tea in 2009. Or these stupid hair bands that look like vintage telephone cables (Unpopular opinion: I hate them).

And things that are old aren't automatically bad. (Some are, though, like not accepting gay marriage or women's rights) 
Family is the oldest thing ever but still something really important and meaningful in most people's lives. Drawing is old. Writing. But still we do it. Maybe the forms change. The mode changes, trends appear, values and ways people think change. But we still feel the urge to express ourselves, to create, to communicate, to show who we are and what we believe.

"Open up your eyes and see like me! Open up your plans and - damn, you're free!" - Jason Mraz (preferably played with an ukulele)

Change can be good. But remember there's always something you already have when you arrive in a new place. (Nerd Alert: In constructivist political theory this is called your "cognitive prior")

Make sure these things are good. And make sure to be curious. 
Open up for new experiences. Some of them might be stunning, others disgusting, shocking, breath-taking. Some might turn out more normal to you than you'd have expected.

Don't close your eyes to new experiences! (Don't be like me)