Late Lonely Life Advice

On: Dating minors, unhealthily low self-esteem & emotional weaknesses*

Question time: Who do I do this for?

To who am I writing? Or is it just for me, myself and I over and over again? Reading my own posts, ranting about random stuff that happens or happened in my life, travelling back in time when I see those older posts, laughing at myself, crying over it again.

I don't know. Maybe it's just that. A self-purpose of writing stuff down. 

To get it off my mind.

I want to tell you how I feel. Even if you is only future-me and two close friends I'm adressing that follow me on twitter and stalk me because they kinda love me (props to you guys just sayin'). This is kind of a confession. I'm not self-confident.

I like to think about myself as tough, as cool, extrovert, intelligent and controlled.

As creative, funny, kind of cute, interesting and complicated. And my self-esteem is really easily scratched when I have doubts in these features of mine. Or when I think closely about what defines me, what makes me an individual, different from others. This is what identity means basically: The entirety of how we view and perceive ourselves as unique from others. I learned this today in Cultural Studies. But can anyone be unique? I feel like I can't.

I spend an amount of time on thinking and wondering about this kind of stuff that is too damn high. I always tell people to accept themselves, to be who they truly are and not to change for relationship partners, friends or work too much. 

And yet here I am, judging myself, blaming myself for not being liked and appreciated by others. Thinking even about plastic surgery at very very low points in my life - but not for real considering it – because I may be superficial sometimes, but I don’t want to be that kind of person who has a nose job just to be liked by other people. 

Just to “look good” as “good” in the ideal of a fucking Barbie-Doll-society. I don’t have the money in any case. And if I had the money I wouldn’t FUCKING spend it on my face to look prettier!!! Overall, I don’t want to be that kind of person.

And yet there is this little voice in my head sometimes that suggests it, that says mean things like: They’re not going to like you because you’re dumb and ugly and just play pretend to be smart and funny and cute. If you had a better body or a smaller nose, they may do but even then...once they see beyond your façade, they will see that you are none of it. That you are as ordinary as can be. That you are the lamest person in the world, you aren’t good at something in particular, you just write and talk a lot about stuff that only matters to you, selfish prick. And you’re proud of yourself because you have 30 twitter followers. What does that make you? A better person? You are a fucking loser!

And I continue hating myself for being not as talented, not as cool and not as unique as I like myself to be. Hating myself for falling for this boy who is too young for me but I don’t really care and I know I barely know him, I’ve just met him (and this is crazy, but here's my number...) a few days ago but you know my heart and my brain are in different rooms right now. 

My brain sits in the office and reads texts for University all day long and complains why it can’t focus because heart is throwing a big birthday party down the hallway. Chanting jingles like: ¯ I DON’T CARE THAT YOU DON’T KNOW HIM, I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE BUSY – YOU ARE INTO HIM NOW– YAY!¯

It’s hard to be not into him, though. He seems intelligent and smart, a little arty, a little weird in a good way, a little childish but not annoying. I simply like the way he talks and the way he looks at things and how he touches his hair every 5 minutes what reminds me of me.

Just for the record: I didn't take his V-card or anything :D

Yeah, he has this messy hair and he’s tall and he is fucking adorable so shut up I know it all. May he be 17, and may I act like Jenna when she fools around with Owen in the new Awkward.-season (Owen is cute, though). To me it doesn’t feel wrong.

It doesn’t really matter because I have this feeling that he doesn’t like me back. Or I don't know. Because I know we kissed one time, but we were both drunk and we didn’t know each other (we don’t really know it now either) it was probably just the moment and he was maybe a little stoned, too. 

I don’t really know. I know just that I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s obviously a crush, nothing serious by now, but it annoys me and it fucks me up that I’m so freaking emotional in that business. WHY? Just why? Why can’t I just chill out and watch what happens next? Like I would advice my friends to do.

I literally have to force myself to stop texting him so he won’t think that I’m clingy and I want that he writes me back because he desires to, not because I urged him by bombarding him with a trillion messages.

I hate the fact that it brings back all my self-doubts like: Has anyone ever really loved me for who I am?  BUT yes, I think there were and there are people who do. And I'm so happy about this.

I am lucky. We're so lucky. And as I write these words a video comes to my mind and I will put it here.

I called this "Life Advice" but what can you really get out of this shit tbh? 

Maybe that sometimes, I am as lonely as you, or even Lonlier Than You. 

Maybe that sometimes I am a mess. Just like everyone else.

*well that sounds fucking depressing. 

Sorry by the way for the unusual amount of f-words in this entry.

50 Facts About me

1. I love books 

Since I've never really counted or kept stats, I don't know how many books I've consumed since I started regularly visiting the library in primary school. What I consider my "record" (and the only time I really counted, is 17 books in 6 weeks (the usual summer holiday period in Germany).

2. I wear the same haircut since 2011& look alarmingly similar

2011 vs. 2014 - But which one is the recent one?

Externally, I've not really changed in the past 3 or 4 years of my life, while on the inside I was undergoing some serious transformations. Part of that is my haircut that more or less stayed the same since 10th grade (not mentioning the 3-month "blonde phase" which was admired only by few). 

3. I have like 5 close friends

4. I cry over books, films & music frequently (Maybe I take them as an excuse)

Tarzan, In Her Shoes and the beginning of Finding Nemo still get me everytime! *sniff*

5. I don't have a favorite book

Out of which you could argue that maybe I'm a bit undecided, especially when you think about the mass of books that I read over the years.

6. I am a hopeless romantic

Self-explanatory. If it isn't to you, please check out this, this or this former posts of mine. 

7. I'm on tinder (and I love it)

8. I don't know what I want to do with my life

Therefore I do "something in the media". 

9. I hate salami and most sausages

BUT YOU'RE GERMAN *gasps*. Yeah, guess I am.

DIE YOU SPROUT OF EVIL! (yep, I googled "salami" for that one)

10. I prefer happiness over money in my job

Therefore I do "something in the media". 

11. I hate pink 

And horses. And glitter. 

12. I am female (Captain Obvious strikes again)

13. I play the guitar 

Badly but at least frequently. Still waiting for that enlighting moment to come, when I can say I am a good guitar player. Aaaand forget singing. Just don't talk about it.

14. I love to doodle

Therefore I do "something in the media". 

15. My favourite colour is yellow

So I basically try to buy everything yellow I see. I don't know why I like it so much, but maybe it reminds me of sunflowers (wow, Lotta that one was so deep), summer days and the light in my childhood bed room when the sun is sinking and it's all a glooming sea of yellow light in there (that was much better, gurl). 

16. I believe in Karma 

Or at least sort of. Like if you do something bad and you step into dog's shit, I'll be around shouting like: THERE YOU GO, ASSHOLE! 

17. My favorite place in the world is in Paris

Look at the sky. Or the water. Or the people. At anything. You'll love it.

18. I had only one serious relationship
That lasted almost exactly 2 and a half years.

19. I'd love to be more confident
When someone's like: Look at you, you're really confident, in thoughts I'm like: " ¯If you don't know me by now... ¯". I know I may be regarded as confident because of 43. but I'm not.

20. I am a bit racist when it comes to relationship partners
I swype asian guys on tinder left all the time. I blame the society and my cultural upbringing for it. Sorry, Xiao!

21. I love languages
And I'm sad that I only can speak three (pretty decent, I guess, but not perfect at all). I want to learn more!

22. I do not believe in God

23. I like to eat uncooked spaghetti
Yeah, I'm a weirdo sometimes. (It helps me concentrate, though) - And I love randomness as you can guess from 22. to 23.

24. I love concerts and festivals

YAS! Finally another instance to put in some of my festival pics!

*dies of overly-emotional fangirling*

    

                                   
                                                    


25. I love series in a High School setting
Faking It, anyone?

26. I eat butter under nutella
Go ahead, judge me. #noregrets

27. I'm the sweet not the salty type

28. Cars and busses make me want to puke
I have a looot of funny stories about vomiting. And only 3 of them have to do with alcohol. The rest is all about travel, skiing, camping and a whole bus who is forced to stop because of 14-year-old me puking out my entrails at the roadside. Lovely.

29. I love rollercoasters
Kind of ironic that I never puked as a result of being on one.

30. I like to be regarded as intelligent
Even if I don't really think I am. But pssst - They still take me for a genius.

31. I find curls attractive
Luke Pritchard (go watch 24.). It's all there is to say.

32. I am jealous in friendships

33. My favorite movie is "Little miss sunshine" 
Mainly because of 15.

34. I am lonely

35. I am a strong woman

36. I am a youtube-addict
Check out my subsription box.

37. Sometimes I have really mean thoughts
Like: "She is too dumb to do that." Or "why can't he just fail the test so I don't have to support his stupid attitude in course all the time?". And after that I feel bad. Or not, depends.

38. In shoe size, body size and almost all superficial features I am "Miss Average"
Like especially one friend points out very often. So I feel average average average. Maybe I am? *starts to have identical crisis*

39. My preferred superpower is flying

I mean his propeller is basically THE SHIT.

I only dreamt about it once (see 50.) but it's still my favorite thing: Imagine you could just be up in the sky with the birds while everyone walks on the road under you and is a snail and you're like...a superhero? I don't know, but I loved the idea since Karlsson vom Dach flew into my life as a child. 

40. I love floral prints on literally EVERYTHING
Uh, how I managed to subtly integrate it in the pictures of 2. Not bad.

41. I am a feminist

42. I'm into indie music

43. I have a loud and rather deep voice for a girl
Why people still mistake me for my brother on the phone sometimes. Sad but true.

44. I like my room messy
But not too much. There is this perfect, Lotta-degree of messy. With not too much dishes to wash but enough books, magazines and clothes lying around to make a room show that someone actually LIVES in there.

45. I can hang hours on the phone/skype
There are various people to proof this to you, including my collab partner in this post. 4 hours recently. Guys. Don't ask. (We ended up discussing the release of J-Law's naked pictures)

My favorite Jutebeutel from Paris.
(selenestudiesabroad.files.wordpress.com)

46. I run around with tote bags a lot (#hipsteryoloswag I guess)
Is this what you call it? I googled it, but it sounds weird. We call it Jutebeutel. (German language course with Lotta)

47. I have a diary and I use it
And surprisingly, I'm not 12 years old.

48. As a child I wanted to be a hair dresser, a teacher or an author

49. I am a "night person" 
Maybe it's because I'm a vampire and just haven't found out yet and I've mistaken my sparkling in the sunlight all these years for glitter make-up...

50. I remember almost all of my dreams (and they're crazy as f*ck)
Like last night I had a pretty messed up dream about being still in school but in a different building with different people. And we had to team up to find something in a maze that was kind of behind the school (but it hadn't been there before, I'm sure). And somewhere in the maze there was a slide for kids which was amazing but we kind of forgot our mission about it. 
- Yep, casual stuff like that.

This is a collaboration. Check out my friend Phlipps' post HERE.

I basically need this in my life. (funkyshirt.co.uk)

My Bedside Table

On: Friendships, my new apartment and a fresh start

On my bedside table there are two photos, neatly arranged in cute frames. They have several similarities. Both of them show me. In one of them you can see me with my best friend – Literally everyone ever who doesn’t know me very well thinks he’s my boyfriend and that he looks really young in it. The other is a picture of me, accompanied by the six girls who meant the most to me in the past year of my life, whom I spent my time in Paris with. You don’t see it, because you can’t look in the memory of the moment, but this photograph was taken in front of the Basilica Sacré Coeur in Montmartre. It was one of the first nights we used to go out in Paris and visit places together, more than a year ago.

Both are pictures of people who were important to me. Who are still important to me. Both, kind of, are pieces of my past that I brought with me to this new environment. Apart from them, there is almost everything new, unknown and different around me. I know that this little loneliness which is lurking in my head currently; it is just a side-effect of being alone in this new town, of not knowing anybody, of not knowing where and what and how the things roll. My little furnished room which reminds me of Paris in so many ways is really cute and situated in a nice neighborhood full of grandmas and mowed lawns and old trees not far from Uni. But still there’s this sad and empty feeling.

I know that this feeling will fade in a few months, or hopefully even in a few weeks.  It was just yesterday that I arrived here and unpacked my bags and I hope that this, like in the beginning of my year in Paris, is just a short phase in which I feel unpleasant and strange to this place, to this room, to this town.  I know that this apartment will former or later become my home, like the one in Paris did. And I know, on top of that all, that I will meet a lot of awesome people and that I’ll make new awesome friends here.

“Like I did in Paris”, it flickers through my mind as I’m watching the photo in the picture frame next to my bed. And that I should write the girls more often, that I should check on them so they don’t feel forgotten, because they’re clearly not.

I look at the other photo, and the painted picture in yellow, blue, red and purple that’s on the wall and I get to think about how I shouldn’t forget them neither, these two guys who offered them to me. Because I know we have these awesome special relationships and it would be a pity – well no, it would be a freaking load of shit if our paths would drift too much apart! I don’t want to lose them, how clichéd and facebook-comment-of-a-14-year-old-like this may sound; they’re in my heart.

Friendships are fun, they’re important but they’re also a lot of work. If you don’t call, if you don’t write, if you don’t communicate - you will not make it. This is not about one of two people in a friendship always asking how it goes and the other one not very regularly responding, this is about basic interest of the two of them in the other one’s life. In their hopes, their dreams, the daily life which seems boring sometimes, their fears and anxieties. Well, that really sounds like a whole lot of work, doesn’t it? But it’s worth it and you will appreciate that the other person, if it’s a real good friend of yours, is there for you and will do the same things for you, listens to you when you’re sad or angry and shares his moments with you, like you share yours with them, even when you two are apart.

I learned a lot of these lessons about friendship when I was abroad and I think it is really important to focus on the people you really love and who are truly good friends of yours to lead a happy life. I also know that it’s neither possible, nor healthy to try to maintain this kind of relationship with too many people. That’s the point where you should really listen into your mind and reflect on who you want to spend your time with and why, because somehow, the people we surround ourselves with, say very much about who we really are.

“Somehow, friends were always variables in my life. But some just shouldn’t be.” 

– in a letter from friend of mine

The rest of my bedside table equipment consists only of new things, apart from the awful alarm clock that I’ve owned a few years now and guys, I desperately crave for a new one (because seriously, that’s a hell of a sound to wake up to!).  But unfortunately, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t buy new things if the old ones still work (and I think everyone should be that kind of person #tbh).

Not a lot of new things. Only the nice white grandma-like reading lamp which wears a Swedish woman’s name and a candle I bought at IKEA, too, one week ago, with a lovely vanilla smell. The rest of the table (which is also new and from this same furniture store- surprise, surprise!) is white and neat and in order and tidy. All of them things we all know I’m definitely NOT. 

Maybe this is why I feel a bit strange and “not arrived” yet, too. I need to mess up this place a bit, spread my clothes all over the floor, get it a bit more untidy, more exciting and mostly more colorful. If not, I’m afraid of getting snow blind of all this whiteness! Who’s supposed to live with this? In moments like this I’m happy having bought all those endless postcards and posters to cover the walls with and to be such a brimming source of creativity (sometimes) and come up with many ideas to create a environment I feel at home in and anyone cool will, too.

I’m also happy, that I have a friend, who is like this, too - that made me such a beautiful piece of artwork I mentioned earlier that I have next to my bed (whose title is, meaningfully  “A-part?” ). You could say I work on friendships so they can color my life. The picture is not exactly on the bed side table, but we aren’t nitpickers here, are we?

The subject of this little insight in my loneliness

My life is a draft

When I look at the last 4 blog entries, 3 of them never made it out to the internet. 
I'm a draft person. Why? Because I can't finish things. At school I was always good at writing long essays and texts. And it may sound like a super nerd but sometimes my teachers discounted me points in assignments for writing too many pages. I couldn't find an end. 
Or I start a thing and never continue. This is one of my greatest weaknesses in combination with my unbelievable impatience.

The absenceof these two features is also the main reason for the fact that I have not published a book yet. 
I can't say I didn't write a book yet. The problem is I've never finished one (ok, one, but it was shitty and I was 14).
It's not that the lack of ideas, it's my impossibility of staying with one idea and not constantly changing it or discarding it for another. Sometimes, I hate myself for being that person. But I am that person.
"And I can't change. Even if I tried. Even if I wanted to."

I'm not going to finish those drafts, I know that. I guess, I hope that there is this one draft, waiting for me in the future. That won't be a draft. That will become a real story. 
Something with a beginning, a middle and an end and not just one of those three in shattered pieces. 
My life is full of drafts. My life is a draft itself, waiting to be continued. In one week, I'm starting University, a whole new chapter in my life. I will be a student again and I can't wait to be one. 

But I know especially that fact will make it harder to continue things, like poetry or writing or drawing or other creative stuff but I love doing this nerdy arty weird things and I'm not planning to stop doing them. Or to become this boring kind of a person who is so stuck in work that she forgets about all her drafts. All her not yet finished chapters in word documents on her laptop, all her not yet figured out story lines, novels, songs or blog posts. I once said I was a writer. It's time to truly be one. And not just the girl who never finishes what she's starting. 

We all crave for that one moment in the future, when she will finally finish a thing and it will be a good thing. How come I'm speaking of myself in Third-Person now? 
I think I...



To be continued