- "I can never decide whether Paris is more beautiful by day or by night."
- "No, you can't, you couldn't pick one. I mean I can give you a checkmate argument for each side. You know, I sometimes think, how is anyone ever gonna come up with a book, or a painting, or a symphony, or a sculpture that can compete with a great city. You can't. Because you look around and every street, every boulevard, is its own special art form and when you think that in the cold, violent, meaningless universe that Paris exists, these lights, I mean come on, there's nothing happening on Jupiter or Neptune, but from way out in space you can see these lights, the cafés, people drinking and singing. For all we know, Paris is the hottest spot in the universe."
A few weeks ago I went to Starbucks and, you know, a lot of hipsters go there, too. So there was this pin board with a note on it.
It looked exactly like this. (maybe it's mass production - screw you hipsters!)
I wonder why I chose "courage".
Maybe, because I need it. Desperatly. I set up some goals. Not only for the new year that lies ahead of me, but also for the rest of the future that is yet to come.
Some of them seem to be ridiculously easy to achieve. Others are hard. And the worst of them seem impossible to me.
But somehow, I want to find the courage to do the things which are needed to achieve my goals. To become the person I want to be. And to satisfy myseld (not in that way, you with the dirty mind).
Because I'm dissatisfied right now.
I don't eat healthy. I have the worst skin I had in years. I'm working my ass off. I buy things I don't really need. I talk to people I don't really like. And if a friend was in this situation, I'd be like: "Just stop it!"
Just stop doing these things, if they don't make you happy. And if I would advice another person to stop doing sth. I might should stop it, too. Mission to accomplish: Level up!
After that guy approached me in the metro some weeks ago to flirt with me and get my number, I started to think about courage again. Because I thought I could never be this courageous. I already talked about it in a recent post about jumping off bridges: That courage feels good. (In German it's triple rhyme time: "Mut tut gut")
If you had one shot, or one oppurtunity to seize everything you ever wanted. One moment. Would you capture it or just let it slip?
- Eminem
And furthermore, it makes me sad how many possibilities , how many chances we just miss by being "too shy" or "too polite". Or we just lack self-confidence and obey unspoken society rules like "people just don't...". It's sad, because afterwards it always feels like failure. Because it is, somehow. You missed something, by not even trying.
So, maybe the next time I see a cute boy who wears a t-shirt of my favourite band, I might take the tiny piece of paper out of my pocket. Take a short look on the little word written on it that starts with a "c".
The first time that I felt at home and "arrived" in Paris was when I first looked at the passing streets from a bike. Now that spring finds its way into the boulevards and parks of Paris (and in our hearts *sigh*) my vélib-abonnement pays off once again. All that rainy grey gloomy days are supposed to vanish behind the sun that is finally showing up again, after all the clouds have gone. When the beams of shy February sunlight peek through the rare leaves in the trees of the alleys, when the top floors of the Haussmann-houses are bathed in a golden shine and the people enjoy their afternoon cigarettes on the balconies, when you just put on some good music, when you see the kids playing soccer in the streets and the skateboarders failing at their tricks on Place de la République, when you cross the Canal St Martin and you hear the birds sing in a dissonant composition with the seagulls, when you have your gloves, a scarf and a bonnet ready (because it's still freezingly cold in the wind). Then you hit the pedals of your bicycle without even noticing because you're so stunned and paralysed at the same time by the beauty surrounding you, The beauty of daily life. The beauty of the moment. Pour l'instant (= for the moment), you're just happy. It's easy. You don't have to worry about money, about arguments, about problems, about life or death.
Canal St Martin these days...
A good friend of mine told me that music sometimes works like a drug which can put you in all different kinds of states of mind: Sad, angry, desperate, happy... And if you're listening to that song above, if you close your eyes and imagine all the things I described, you will smile. You will understand me and my spontaneous urge to write all these things down.
I just tell you now that I fell in love. And I couldn't help myself I just fell in love.
Sometimes you just need to do what you want to do. Someone smart once said that you only regret what you haven't done, not what you actually did. I can admit to this statement most of the time, because I think people are willing to accept their mistakes if they made some. It is the ambition in every of us to be able to live with ourselves. Only the few who consider their own mistakes or failure or worthlessness to be unacceptable, choose to end their lives. The others succeed (more or less) in convincing themselves and others that nothing they did was "that bad". And why not? Why should we all be suicidal, anxious and - on top of that lame? Life gives us so many opportunities to have fun, to forget the plans we made earlier, to discover new things and places, to meet new people and to do a lot of crazy stuff. After you did them, you never regret them. Rather, when you're currently doing them or when you're about to do them. Like bungee jumping.
Noone ever smiles before they jump. They're all doubtful, scared and secretly asking themselves: WHY DID I WANTED TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE??? . But when you finally overcome the insecurity, the questions, the thoughts of consequences (What if the rope will crack? :O), when you "just do it" (like a famous brand for sports wear likes to put it) - then you feel the happiness.
"YOLO"
Some stupid kid on the internet
You feel the freedom. Maybe the freedom of choice. Or maybe it's the feeling of success. Or the feeling of being a human who is capable of overcoming his own fears. The feeling of being alive. Once I jumped off that bridge I got this exact feeling. After the 15 minutes (that felt like 2 hours) I spent there standing on the edge, on the balustrade, hesitating, when I finally jumped - I loved myself. I had courage. And courage feels good.
It's not "that" bridge in the sense of "it could be any bridge".
Nope, it was actually that bridge that you can see above.
I don't see the point in doing drugs, hurting people or being an asshole in the name of YOLO-ing, but I appreciate the thought behind it. We are to believe (unless you're buddhist) that we only live once. So we should make something out of it, goddammit! Maybe that's why I've started to change my mind recently and try to just do the things that I enjoy and that feel right. I have to cut people off who are boring, mean and waste my time, but I can let people in that are cool, fun and honest.
#YOLOhipsterswag
"You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down "
- Ray Bradbury
That's why I try to follow my feelings more. And that's why I posted that link above. Currently, I have a heavy crush on a cute guy I met a week ago and I try just going for it. I try not to think to much about it, I try not to worry, not to make plans and fantasies of what could happen to avoid disappointments. I just try to live now and make the best out of it. I just try to avoid the thinking. And then I jump.
Since February behaves like he changed his name to April we all enjoy the mixed and unfriendly weather which brings a lot of beautiful rain. So I came to the conclusion that my sequel is more than neccessary. These are...
8* things to do on rainy days
1. Sleeping
You can never sleep too much. Napping is the best way to spend time without even noticing. What's positive about this is that you can dream about the weirdest shit ever (and remember it - like me).
My tip: A power nap should be not longer than 20 min. Because if not it becomes a "Oh, f*ck I spent all day in bed and did nothing at all"-nap
"Die Welt schaut rauf zu meinem Fenster. Mit müden Augen, ganz staubig und grau."
2. Decorating your home
The circumstances and the surroundings in which you are leading your daily life are underrated, I think. People are creatures of habit. They cope with things and just "let it be". But hey, sometimes it's easy to change something, and make it all better and more enjoyable. So your "vie quotidienne" (= daily life, welcome to another episode of "Learning French with Lotta") can be easier and happier.
That's Art, bitches.
Like I bought this "thing to put your washed dishes on" for 2,50 € at a Swedish furniture warehouse and it literally makes me happy everyday. Or my 10 €-Toaster.
My tip: Hang up things on your walls that make you smile or that you find cool (like my collection of random bw-photos I continued from the girl who used to live in my room before me). I also recommend pictures children painted for you in the kindergarten. They're awesome. 3. Practising something
Some people, including me, always complain about how untalented and bad they are at things. Instead of taking time to just sit down and practise that sh*t they want to "be able to do"...like an instrument. Who got me the idea?
My tip: Hopefully the thing you want to practise is an indoor activity... 4. Going to the movies
There's never nothing good on the schedule. And is there anything better than going through the tension of a thrilling movie while there's an "orage" (= thunderstorm) outside? Or cuddling under the blanket and watching "love actually" for the 100st time while there's soft rain dripping against the windows? Sometimes the weather is the best excuse to have a lazy couch potato-day with crisps and chocolate.
For Gretchen it's hard to choose ...
My tip: Invite someone over to watch with you. For example, I love watching that German soap with two of my girl-homies which is all about love, misunderstandings and the weight problems of a female doctor in her thirties. (It has the suitable name Doctor's Diary). It's our wednesday evening date now ;). Other recent series addictions I'm starting to develop: "Adventure Time" (a crazy comic fairytale-world with Finn & Jake) and "Awkward." (a not so new MTV series I just discovered, I love Jenna's character and I'm clearly Team Matty!)
C'mon, grab your friends, We'll go to very distant Lands... With Jake the Dog, And Finn the Human - the adventures will never eeend. It's Adventure Time!
My cinema tip: If you're living in Paris for a longer period and L O V E movies & cinema, get the UGC illimité (=unlimited) card. For a single person it's 20€, for two about 35€ per month. It's a cinema flatrate for all UGC and MK2 movie theatres and even 3D is free. (consider that watching one Hollywood-movie in cinema costs 11€...) Guess who has one?
5. Going out anyway
In Paris, rain boots of this kind are considered "cool" these days. I'm not on the style wave, I guess
Get your rain coat, your rain boots (if you have some, I don't own any since preschool ;)) and an umbrella. In French it's "parapluie" and I'm kind of in love with that word Y. Like Owen Wilson in "Midnight in Paris" says: Paris is the best when it's raining. And how to figure out if he's right or not without trying?
My tip: Don't go to the most romantic parc of Paris (Buttes Chaumont) when you're alone and listening to ballads on your iPod. It's not beautiful. It's just pretty depressing.
If you like to have body contact to strangers, go on the first days.
6. Shopping & Stuff From the beginning of January until last week, we had the "Soldes" (=Sales) in Paris (WSV in Germany) where you get 30-70% off the regular prize. My tip: Mango has 50% on EVERYTHING. 7. Doing the household The tip I like to avoid the with all means of procrastination. Washing the left-over dishes, cleaning the shower & the toilet, vacuum-cleaning your carpet, doing the laundry... Hey that strangely resembles my "To Do"-list...
8. Cultural Experiences In the last "post about rain" I mentioned 2 out of all museums in Paris. A growing list of all museums I visited by now is in progress and will be posted soon (with my personal views on why they're cool or lame) somewhere on this blog. For now, just open any travel guide and get some comfortable shoes to "diggin' some cultural stuff, dude".
"Le musée des Arts décoratifs" is very cool. It's like the not-so-crowded relaxed neighbour of the Louvre. Check it out some time.
Peace out and enjoy the rain ! *Why 8? Because the bad weather feels like an eternity to go through...
That's what happens when you don't superwise the needs of your Sims. Or when you even suck at cheating...
A second truth about death is that we can't really picture it. Or him. Some try to imagine "Death" as a person, mostly like some creepy dude wearing a cowl and carrying around a scythe all day who would suddenly show up if you're close to your end... to be your companion on the way to "wherever-you-are-going-to-go-now". Not sure, but I think this symbol could be also seen as a sign of a serious over-consumption of the PC game "The Sims" when I was younger... As in contrary to the situation in Sims, you can't play about "Life or Death" with Death (himself). J.K. Rowling (you might have heard of her) came up with some pretty interesting little story. If you know her, you know, she has a thing for wizards. So the little fairytale she wrote is about three wizards, rather three brothers. Who conquered death. Just to come back to him. Sooner or later. One after another. In case you don't know the story (or forgot it/or want to refresh it/or want to see it animated in a fancy way):
The last time I went "sleep-over babysitting" because my host mum would arrive late, I told that story as a bedtime story to my 9-year-old girl (who loooves Harry Potter, fyi). Maybe, reflecting about it now, the story was a little inappropriate for her age. But she's a brave little cutie. And she has already heard and seen worse.
Her dad died about 2 years ago. Sometimes, out of the blue, she asks: "Why did he die?" or she says: "Man, it sucks that my Dad is dead. He used to watch Harry Potter with me...But now Mom won't let me cause she thinks it's still too dangerous for me!" Even if Mom's right, I pity her for not having a father.
And for having encountered death this early. Death how he is when he's the worst. When he takes home your parents, your siblings or your lovers.
Back to the story. She asked me: "I understand: The first was punished for his avarice and the second had to understand that noone who was dead once, could ever come back to life. But the third one, the third brother...Why did he ever take off the cloak of invisibility? I don't get it".
I tried to explain to her that he decided, when he had a wife, children and a long and happy life on his back, that there was no further thing he wanted to achieve or wanted to be. He was just satisfied with everything how it was and pleased about the fact that he could end his life when he found the time was right to do it.
Why's there an ice cream cup in a blog post about death, you're might wondering now...
I started thinking about it in a deeper way, too. Someone said to me once, that if there wasn't death, what would keep us on making our life on earth worthwhile? If there were no such thing as death, if we all could live forever (leaving out the problems caused by the overpopulation of the planet that would probably lead us to kill one another sooner or later) we would presumably do nothing. We would not try to make our life special or set up goals like winning the nobel prize, getting that god-damn dream job we always longed for, having the most loveable family in the world and a dog named Snoopy, eating as much Ben&Jerry's ice cream as possible troughout a life-time, or even inventing that mother of all ice cream brands...or just being happy and finding someone to love.
To me, death always remains something we should fear. Because it makes us (suddenly) lose our loved ones: friends, family and life partners. But death also shows us how important it is to demonstrate them our love, to not fight about odds and ends when you should be hugging right now. "To live in the Now" (as quoted from The Spectacular Now) and appreciate what you've got. Death is the only thing that makes life worthwhile. As a conclusion, you could argue that death is the meaning of life... but the amount of irony in this statement is too damn high! (Say it in the meme you're thinking about). You're free to make your own conclusions about what I wrote down here recently and about your own gatherings with death. Was he nice to you? Did he let you live peacefully by now? You lucky little child. I hope you enjoy the times without him. Because death never lets you down. I know one thing for sure: He'll be there.
Because I'm spending a lot of time on cemeteries nowadays... I'm kidding, I'm not that creepy emo kind of girl
Every person deals with death. Not only once in his life, at the end obviously, but several times. And it'll never be easy. Or it never was easy. As a child, you have fewer experience. Sometimes you don't really understand. That's why I was wondering, when I was like 5 years or something, why the little baby bird in the nest that was blown down from the tree wouldn't just wake up. That naive question wasn't my first encounter with death, but one I can still clearly picture today. Fortunately, we forget things. And our mind changes our memories. For the better, not for the worst (science, bro). So in logical conclusion, death is the worst in the moment it happens. For the people around, I mean. Time passes. As you start to grow older your parents and your grandparents and your neighbours, your teachers, your friends - everyone gets older, too. Logically, if they've started earlier than you on the race track of life (they were born in the 60s not in the 90s for example), they will reach the finish line before you. It seems like an "unfair" race, cause only time not force or endurance counts. But if you try to look forward, behind the finish line, you'll see something you may don't wanna achieve at all. My paternal grandpa was the first who died in my family (since I've been alive). It may sound mean, but I didn't really care. He was never "into" kids so he never really cared about me either. Sometimes I wonder if we could have grown closer together when I would have become older... He was more into books than into kids, I guess and I love them, too. In addition to that, I loved the "house full of books" how I used to call it -the house which was an extension of the company building he founded. And when I say "house full of books" I mean it. I heard that he had already collected about 10 000 books when they were mostly destroyed by water damage in 1968. He made a new start and by his death the amount of his collection was about 100 000 books. (I know it exactly because my dad was pretty engaged with managing the heritage of this "bunch of books" and there's even a Wikipedia entry about him - I guess as a kid I just found it normal to have a grandpa with some thousands of books... Who hasn't?). But ok, back to the story. Maybe we would have been become friends if I had been older ("would have"s never lead to anything, especially when you talk about death, remember that kids!), but well, he died. So...Yeah. We just never had a special connection. Every birthday present was a book, a fact that my brothers didn't appreciate as much as I did. ;)
The point I was trying to make is, my first experience with death wasn't a really challenging one. Neither was the second (my other grandpa, to whom I had a slightly better connection, but he lived through two wars, and I was a bit too small to understand). These experiences were early, I know that many people of my age still have all of there grandparents around and I can just say: Spend the time together you have left! Don't abandon them or just "put" them anywhere and never visit them again. They are family. They have stories to tell. And the reason for that I'm saying such things is for my grandma. I only had one. The one and only. (Because the other died before my birth). She was like the granny of your dreams. She used to give us candy all the time we'd visit (at least one time every week!), she made us "afternoon coffee" which meant delicious cake, coffee for the adults and chocolate for the children. We played board games, we went swimming, we played around in the garden, she told us stories and she always was patient with us candy-craving, hyperactive, funny little fools. When she died, my world broke into pieces. I learned what it meant. That word. "Death". That word I learned to fear. And I also learned what are the greatest regrets in life. Or at least mine. Because I used to visit my grandma every Sunday. As a little child I loved it, obviously. But I was at this (hilariously f*cking stupid) rebellious phase at the moment (I think I was like 12 or 13 years old) and my older brother was already an "adult" in my eyes (what means he just reached puberty). He was like: "It's lame being with grandma. I don't wanna go there." At first my parents were like: "F*ck you, too. We don't give a sh*t about what you want to do. You come with us". I mean they didn't say it like this, of course. But then they just thought that urging him to visit my grandma would neither make her nor him happier. So they just let him stay at home or hang out with friends sometimes. At some point I was envious. Secretly, (although it was very uuuncool) I enjoyed having "afternoon coffee" at my grandma's, but I was envious of his freedom. Of doing what he wanted. So one weekend, I decided "not to go". A part of me was feeling guilty, but the bigger part was satisfied with my decision: "You made it, look how adult and free you can act!" Two days later, my grandma died. I missed the last chance to see her, just because I was wanting to be cool or whatever for no particular reason. I know, she wasn't mad at me. She'd never be. But in my head and in my heart some voices kept telling me: "She may didn't even know that you loved her" "She was surely so sad that you didn't came to visit her. That's her last and bad memory of you" "You could have told her what she meant to you. But you f*cking stupid asshole, pretending to be cool or something had to stay at home!" I know that none of this is true. I know that she knew how much I loved her. And I really really hope that she had only good memories of me before she died (if she even thought about me before dying). And I still regret that I didn't visit her. Because she meant so much to me. And she was ought to know that, I think. So, in a sad and regretful way, I found out the first truth about death: It's the only line that is final. If those were the last words you said to her, they were the last. You can't change anything. You can't make excuses. You can't explain yourself. It is like death answered all of the questions. To be continued
Being with guys (male parts of the population FYI) can often be a disappointment.
Being with guys is like "Expectation vs reality" all the time...
But I know it deep in my heart. That anywhere in this great wide world exists a guy like the ones in the movies. Who's always there for you. Who always cares. Who runs to the airport just to say Goodbye to you and "I love you". So I found out for you... 10 Signs that he's perfect 1. He thinks about you and texts you You wake up and there are about 15 text messages by him on your mobile. They make you smile. And are proof that the missed you last night and that he cares about you. In reality, it's more often the case that you texted him good night, he was online about two hours after this and didn't even answer a single word.
Reality strikes again -.-
2. He gives you presents
You didn't had to write him a wish-list of what you like and it isn't your anniversary day or your birthday. He just (out of the blue) thought of something personal, creative & romantic to offer to you - just because he "loves to see you smile". Like the new album by your favorite band or that bracelet that you found too expensive to buy but secretly longed for it in a while. 3. He's a romantic Isn't this what we (as girls) all wish for? A guy who writes a love song - just and "uniquement" (= only) for you. A guy who calls you in the middle of the night - just to hear your voice (okay it's getting some kind of creepy over here - is he like "overly attached boyfriend"?). And after all, a guy that takes you to the most beautiful and romantic place in town to have a picnic. Not to have sex on the blanket, just to count the stars and holding your hand.
As long as he doesn't become like the male version of overly attached girlfriend - being romantic is alright...
4. He loves and respects you
It's all about showing interest. "I wanna hear what you, what you've got to say" (The Subways) pretty much sums it up. He wants to know your opinions and how your day passed. And when he didn't listen without purpose he says sorry. He doesn't try to convince you or change your mind all the time, he rather gives you advice and support when you need them. When he makes fun of you or teases you, you always know it's a joke. If someone disrespects you, he plays the knight with the shining armor to defend you.
5. You have the best conversations
Which one will you choose?
No matter if it's about which sauce you like best on your Subway sandwich, how you spend the weekend or the deepest philosophical questions of the universe - He'll make every conversation special. When you're with him you don't feel the time passing. The next time you look at the clock it will be 3 am and you'll be like: "WTF?". Everytime you two talk it's fun, it's deep and interesting and you could never run out of suitable topics to talk about together. Last but not least, he makes you laugh. He is the funniest guy ever (and he not only thinks that - for real). 6. He's sensitive
He knows when you're sad. He knows. And then he "hold[s] you tight straight through to daylight" until you can see the sun again. (Literally, badum tss) And hell yeah, he cries in front of you. 7. You have common values He's perfect if he respects you and your opinions, I already mentioned that. He doesn't have to share all of them - seriously, imagine if he did - it would be annoying and boring as fuck! But some interests you should share, if not, it'll be hard passing time together (music, hobbies, sports, politics, whatever).
Like you both love cookies - That's something to build on! (jk)
But more important are the basic values you and him should have in common. They apply as ground rules for your relationship. I mean it won't work out if you dreamt forever of having like 6 kids and a cute border collie and he never wants to be a father. So the perfect guy for you would love to have even one more child and a cat in addtion to your wishes. You have to clarify that you want similar things for your life, your relationship and your future.
8. HIS LOOKS I'm sorry but it had to be said. Inner values are all well and good, but in reality, we're all f*cking superficial. And that's why he is a mixture of Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, Zac Efron and "that cute boy" you saw in the subway last week. I would say: "His body is a wonderland" if I wanted to fake John Meyer. I mean, yeah, for sure he has a sixpack. He's strong enough to tuck you in bed when you're sleeping. You love touching his arms, his chest...everything. And he has the softest and biggest hands to caress you. Heeey, I mean, we're talking about the "perfect guy" here.
JUST...
And the best is yet to come: Even though his body is pure perfection, he doesn't demand yours to be. He wants you to be healthy & happy. He loves you for who you are.
... CAN'T...
... DECIDE !!!
9. He's good in bed ...aaaand a good kisser. That's all there is to say. I mean, guurrrl (pronounce that in a Tyler-Oakley-voice, please): He's PERFECT. He knows the right time, the right place and what to say .(see 3. and 6.)
10. He doesn't exist Okay. Here it is. The last and bitter and only true sign, that he is MR PERFECT: He doesn't exist. Neither for me, nor for you. (In case I'm lying and you found him - please text me!) At least, the perfection of a person, of anyone isn't possible in reality. Because we're all imperfect. However, we all hope for him or her to cross our way one day. And maybe there is a person - one in 7 billion people who live in this world by now (or even more than one, like 47 people or something) who matches you 100%. And you're going to meet them. Yeah, sure. But leaving behind such ridiculously unlikely cases of fairytales, we remark that there are people in our real life who may not bring us flowers everyday or look like a hot actor, who aren't "perfect" in all those ways I described. But who are loveable even though their imperfection. Or that we especially love them for their little quirks. You know, every individual has its weaknesses. But if you found someone, whose tics and faults you're willing to accept and of whom you have no doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life with him... then he is, even if he maybe doesn't seem to be at all - "The perfect guy". Cause he's just perfect for you.
*why 10? I needed to make 9. a own sign because it's this important to me.
