Most Confusing Date Ever

I met this guy on tinder. Stop judging me before you even start: I block every pervert and every "just sex no relationship" kind of guy immediately. It was actually the third tinder date I've been on and it tops off everything when it comes to the mindf*ck factor.

In the photos he looked like a nice guy. Charming, a cute smile, maybe a little shy. I judged him before I even met him. I put him in a box called "cute shy nerdy boys" because I knew he studies computer science/programming/applied mathematics and stuff. I started painting the picture of him in my mind. Of how I expected him to be. 

He looked exactly like his pictures on tinder and I must admit he has a very nice smile :) but gurrl except for that he was completely different to what I imagined him to be. And even though we had the best preconditions for a highly romantic first date (Parc du Buttes Chaumont, pic-nic in the afternoon...) it was everything but romantic. But I can't decide yet if I find that cool or deterrent.

Sunny side up (Buttes Chaumont, Paris)

At first, we were nerding about films and books quite a time and I was impressed by his traceable well-grounded opinions on everything he read or saw. He disappointed me by admitting that he had only read the first two tomes of Harry Potter (Bitch,please!) and positively surprised me by loving Artemis Fowl as much as I do. 

In fact, he seemed like a little Artemis Fowl to me. Someone who is brilliant. Simultaneously someone who is very self-assured and wants to demonstrate his brillance to everyone by revealing the difference of their level of intelligence in comparison to his. You could judge him right away, saying "Oh, so he's an arrogant asshole who humilates people and finds himself being the funniest person in the world and is just evil". But it isn't that easy.

He told me that he loves to cross lines, that he wants to oppose authorities and that he likes to observe people psychologically. How they act, their body language, how they talk, what they like and what they hate and what they imply in their actions. He finds it interesting how people react and manipulating them thereby. 

He brought me to think about all this personality/identity stuff again I was struggling with while reading John Green. About how someone is not only this one format you made of him while placing him in a box and using the natural prejudice sytstem in your mind making your world less stressful. About how every person has so many faces and so many influences, experiences, interests and thoughts making them themselves and so f*cking complicated that it's a challenge to figure them out. About how everyone acts differently around different groups of people and about how we judge someone rashly by a first impression that says little about the actual character of the person.

Recent book consumption.
"YOU WILL GO TO THE PAPER TOWNS
AND YOU WILL NEVER COME BACK"

I started the wheel of wondering again about how I perceive people around me and how they perceive me. Who am I in their eyes? How do I look? In which box have they put me? Do I emanate what I want to stand for? Do I represent who I am in my actions? 

And he made me unsure. Because during the date I started wondering about how he can read me. What I show him. Who does he believe me to be? Miraculously, I did not (at least I wasn't aware of it) show my anxiety and my musing in my gesture and talk.

So in the end, I took the courage and asked him this key question: "So...How do you think I am?" And he didn't want to answer. He said it'd be a long answer. 

I felt at the same time relieved and challenged because I wanted to know it, clearly, but at once I was happy that he didn't think I'm simple to read and that he'd not confront me immediately with my complete failure when it comes to my charisma.

No, for real, let's be serious,  I have no idea how I am perceived by others. If they think I'm anxious or self-confident, if they think I'm probably a nice person or a human version of grumpy cat. If I am a arrogant bitch or a shy wallflower... (ok, for sure that's nothing they could say about me). 

And by thinking about it and by writing this entry maybe he got me to what he tried all the time... Maybe he was manipulating me all the time. So I would start to reflect about it all: about personalities, people and psychology (alliteration alarm).

And he somehow managed to keep it connected to him so that as a result he would stay on my mind, so that he could impress me. If this was what he planned (and I really estimate him to be the kind of person who does shit like that) - he succeeded in so many ways. 

Basically me.

But what confuses me even more, apart from him being a nice familiy guy who has a lot of friends and does crazy pranks with them (like putting over 800 post it's all over a car), a nerdy programmer, an enthusiastic leader of arguments and discussions and a bit of a rebellious arrogant superbrain at the same time, is that he didn't try to kiss/touch/fuck (just kidding) me at all. I mean: What's wrong with you? - I'm kidding again, but seriously: Why?You get my point. That was just the summit of confusion! 

In the end, was it not even a date? Do I have to rewrite the title and call it the "Most Confusing Conversation" or the "Most Confusing Guy Ever"? I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just literally mindfucked. 

Sooo, I'm busy getting this confusion in my head fixed, reading some good books, having a beer here and there with friends, hanging out in parks (because the weather is actually pretty nice :) ) and don't forgetting to be awesome.