The Uncertainty of Looking Forward

"Do you mind if I kiss you?" 

Of course I don't. 

Some things aren't needed to be said. Nevertheless, they're cute an they are appealing to me. Is it this sad and this lonely and this bitter for me to do the things I do? 
To imagine walks along the Seine (our last summer...), holding hands, eating ice cream at night on a blanket at the Canal, watching the sun sink down as we stand on the terrace of the Centre Pompidou... to envision all the things we could be?

I can't help but start the wheel of wondering whenever it comes to love. (Don't think I'm in love it hasn't even really started yet -.- )
What is it all good for in the end? Why do I keep imagining this stuff? 
What is going to happen never meets your expectations. That's why I try to never think about what I am going to dream before I fall asleep. Because if I do, I never ever dream what I hoped to dream.

This is the sad truth of life. Am I pessimistic or just realistic for claiming this? Your dreams are not becoming true. I'm sorry. But ironically, I still believe in dreaming. I believe it opens your mind. For the future, for the world. 

"And now life has become the future. Every moment of your life is lived for the future-you go to high school so you can go to college so you can get a good job so you can get a nice house so you can afford to send your kids to college so they can get a good job so they can get a nice house so they can afford to send their kids to college.” 
- John Green, Paper Towns

But what do we live for if we don't live for the future? How can we bear all these moments of disease, of pain, of lonliness if we don't have something to look forward to? 
One moment can change anything. Your perspective, your way of acting, your way of seeing the world. And what if that moment is yet to come? What if you kill yourself now and miss the best part (to be very radical) ?

One the one hand, this is what keeps us searching. This is what keeps us wanting more and more and more. This is why we are never satisfied. This can be what makes us sick. Because the anticipation is always better than the trip. 

On the other hand, this is what keeps us from giving up. It is what makes us better people. We evolve, we want to change things, we want to change us. We have ideas. We make things. We grow. Because if you never try, you'll never see. Nothing ever stays. Change is inevitable. Why not go with it? It helps us getting out of hard times. 

It's always fine to hold onto your sorrow.                                                                 There's always time to make it up...tomorrow.  - The Subways

The perfect (but only understandable for some females) example is being on your period. Man, it sucks balls. If I ever kill myself I'm probably having my period at the moment. If I think of every moment I spend cowering on my bathroom floor, crying, not being able to stand up without throwing up, shivering - I bet I would have had to kill myself several times if I saw no future.
Because the thought of tomorrow, of the good times that are approaching, keeps you up. (Or at least gets you to get up again)

Everything is gonna be alright. - Joshua Radin

Fuck it. Now I'm not longer sure what to decide. Which side I prefer. Which way I will choose. Maybe it's like with most things: You have to keep the balance between the sides. You don't have to give up your NOW to the future. But you are neither to stop dreaming, to stop hoping and changing. Maybe "maybe" is my favorite word. Maybe I have hard times with making decisions.
But maybe you can see it in my actions, in what I'm doing. I'm not suicidal and this is not my goodbye letter. 

So... see you tomorrow, I guess.

In the distance, I can see my future. I get to think about all the places I want to go,
all the things I want to see, all of the people that are going to change me forever
and all the thingsI will do...