But still I claim that I'm a writer. Simply because I like to write. And I do it a lot. Some people do sports, to get out their energy, to vanish their thoughts away (or sometimes reflect them once again). Others do gardening. Or cooking. Or collecting things. Or just watching TV. And I? I write. That's what I've always done. For me, there's nothing better than pouring all my "forever-alone-crushing-on-that-guy-break-up-lonliness-happiness-what-did-I-eat-today" words into a tiny little notebook.
"What's the point in writing it all down?" is a question non-writing friends just LOVE to ask me. On the one hand you can easily answer it with that old quote that's about using the experience of your past to conqueor the future. On the other hand I like to see my writing as a part of memorizing my life.
I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you. - The Fault in Our Stars
It's not exactly what the quote is about, but I love it. And it's similar. Writing is (even if it might be a shout into the void) for me a means to hold on to my memories, my biography, my experiences. I can reread all of my heart breaks, my friendships, my failures and my good moments (They're rare in my texts, I have to admit that, mainly because my urge to write is bigger when I'm sad, obviously). And more important, learn from them. I can recognize patterns and I can follow my handwriting, how it changes over the years and why.
Before I became a writer, I was a reader. I'm still a reader, as you may figured out by the exorbitant number of cute quotes from teen books I use in my posts, or the various hints I hide in my texts regarding my love of books (which are not very hidden, come on).
Reading was always a possibilty for me to exchange my reality for another. To dive into another world, a different dimension, a different person.
Reading is letting yourself go far away while you sit steadfastly in a chair. Throughout reading, I gained my words. And I realized the power of putting words together in a row, to make them gain sense and meaning. Through reading I learned how to communicate better, to speak differently and to express myself. Through reading I learned to write. I mean not in the original sense of "learning to write" in primary school. But rather in the sense of writing essays, stories, fiction, diary entries. To put real feelings on the paper. Yes, in fact, it started in primary school, when I had read all the books from the children's section in our local library. Literally every single book. So I started to read stuff for older children and teens. I read books within the characters where 17 when I was 9 or 10.
When it comes to books, I matured really fast. Since I'm 15 I started adult's books because back in the days I believed I had read all good teen stuff on the recent market and I was not willing to try out classics yet. Now I'm 19 and I read teen books for 16 year olds. What the hell is wrong with me? I loved my German class in primary school Except from grammar and orthography, the exams were all about writing fiction. My favourite exercise were the assignments where you had given several words and you had to imagine a story in which all the words play a main role. I digged it! And obviously had the best grades. I was a literal bubbling pool of creativity ! And I didn't stop reading. It got worse. Now I reconsider my former reading behaviour and I view it differently. Sometimes I didn't read books, I consumed them. And it's a shame.
My record were 17 books in one summer, which means in Germany, 6 weeks of summer vacation. I was totally addicted. Addicted to books. I've never stopped reading. But I consume less and with moderation now. Because in the beginning I could memorize every plot, every storyline and every character from any book I've ever read. I literally told my best friend a whole book (Molly Moon) everyday on our way to school and home. But I realized that I can't do this anymore. I've read to much. And maybe my memory and my brain kinda suck. I made too few pauses. Consumed and consumed without a stop. Maybe sometimes books are like chocolate. You have to enjoy them, slowly. Or you will have a bad feeling after.
I'm in a constant clinch with friend about how we should read books and which books. In his opinion books need to give you something precious, a life lesson, a moral, an important thought or something like that, to be good books. I agree. But I disagree at the point when he says: Only these books are worth being read. That's not true. What about all the books that take you to a different place? A journey to a tropical island, or in the head of a sick perfume maker a 100 years ago, on the back of a dragon fighting for peace in a fictional fantasy land?
I wanted to talk about writing, instead I talk about reading. There's a thunderstorm outside at the moment. It's fucking hailing here. The hailstones sound like an enormous drum on the roof, but unmelodical without a real rhythm.
One day baby we'll be old. Oh Baby we'll be old - Think of all the stories that we could have told - Asaf Avidan
But reading and writing go together because all we read was written once. A perfect imperfect combination of words and letters to get straight into your mind and make you think. Is this what I do now? Is this why I write? Not to hold on to moments from my past, not to find matter in my life. Just to tickle some neuron in your head... Just to make you think. Of what? I don't know - I'm not you. I'm just the writer, you're the reader. I think it's legit to say: I write, I'm a writer. Don't you?
Lastly, I need to say that I have this "urge to write" that I already mentioned. It's not only like a hobby, not only a form of relief from my thoughts, it's like a strange need for me. I feel it like a soft pain in my stomach. Not all the time, sometimes I miss it for weeks or months. But then it's back, strikes me and forces me to take up my pen again. "Write! Write!" shouts this voice inside me. Randomly, I start to write. I put words together. There's no sense, no meaning, no plan, no book. Just me and a story. Writing is telling stories. Maybe that's why I write. I like to tell stories. Some people would even say I'm good at it.
Writing is a part of me, like reading is a part of me. It wouldn't be me if there wouldn't be a book on the bedstand. It wouldn't be me if there were no secret documents of absolutely random unpublished unread stories on my laptop. I never told my ex about my writing. I was afraid he'd laugh. I was ashamed. Maybe this is one reason why we broke up. If I'm ashamed for my writing I'm ashamed for myself, am I not? I don't want to be anymore. I'm a writer. I have no shame.
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